Once again

Hospital stay due to pnemonia 2015. BANG! I seem to acquire pnemonia almost yearly now.(most of the time it is treated at home)
  First off, I haven't had a pnemonia episode since 2013 but, the story of this time is close to the same as my last battle. On a huge side note, I've been an "on again off again" smoker since 2008. I'm working hard at stopping. I haven't smoked at all in a whole week. (yay!!!) I hate the smell on me but, have had a hard time with this because it brings back memories of my grandpa. I miss him so much. We weren't too close but, he loved me and he made sure I knew I was important and loved. So, part of my addiction for it comes from memories of him and the smell of oldspice and cigarettes. Gross I know. The second part of it I just started to understand. I didn't realize this until my counsler talked to me about it. While smoking you usually take deep breaths and relax. So, I had been stopping the actual inhailing part and just held it while I took deep breathes and low and behold, it was TRUE! Imagine that! I just needed a deep breather! 😛
Anyways, maybe you can understand that and maybe not.
So, a couple days before Friday the 4th I realized my allergies/asthma was getting "junky" but, by Friday night I was having trouble moving air. I went to the local ER. They checked my lungs (xray) and gave me a breathing treatment. I was sent home feeling ok. They also sent me with a Zpack (antibiotics) and a steroid pill to open my airways. I started those Friday night. By Saturday night I had a 102 degree temp and was coughing up huge amounts of grossness. I was so confused since I was on the antibiotics and steroids. But, by Monday morning I knew something was really wrong. I couldn't breath without great difficulties and without huge chunks of mucus/blood. I knew this was bad since I had pnemonia in NM. I figured I would need a breathing treatment and new antibiotics. First off when I arrived I was only stating at 78%oxygen withought help. Bad news. After three treatments I was still needing assistance with 15 liters of forced air to stay in the low 90's. The doctor automatically put me in ICU with "pnemonia in right middle lobe". 😖 I felt I had been improving as of Friday the 11th. but, as of last night, I had a CT scan and apparently even though I've been given numerous IV antibiotics I now have pnemonia in both lungs and throught each. Im able to be in the low 90's with 4 liters of forced air now. Without assistance I can maintain for a little while at 87% oxygen. But, it drops really fast.  I know there is a reason why I'm here but, I am usually a "do-er" and it's been rough sitting here and having to ask for help.
Please pray for:
My lungs to heal
A discharge day SOON because I'm supposed to start school MONDAY!
pray for our little family. I feel so useless and am ready to get back into my "mom" role.
Thank you for the prayers and love/support.
"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans for a hope and a future." Jeremiah 22:11

To speak or not to speak

I have been hospitalized twice in September since my bipolar medication was not right.
My therapist said I should journal. And I do. But, I'm tired. physically, mentally and every other way. I love blogging but I'm not sure I should. But then again I feel as if I should since there aren't many people who blog about the reality of bipolar. So, Here is how I feel today
Disgusted. Sad. Angry. Hurt. Selfish.
I literally have two or three friends I can trust.That truly understand  me. And even then I wonder if the get what I'm trying to say.
Every day is different.
Ill start with yesterday. I was an emotional wreck. I wanted Joe Home (it was his day off) but instead of him being around me he was going, doing things and it killed me. I have to add that I wasn't being very nice. For some reason I was just angry all day. I wanted him to just be with me. Hold me. But, I understand why he wanted to leave as much as he could,
once the kids got home he turned his attention to them (which is GREAT) but I feel so selfish that he chooses them over me. Stupid huh? my emotions are crazy. I want to spend time with my kids and I do. But i just don't know how to spend quality time with them, movies are not quality time and neither is any other thing I come up with.
I feel awful.
I like I'm loosing this battle called life. Jesus has carried me. I don't know how much I cant take.
People this bipolar/ anxiety/ PTSD is so emotionally draining. it consumes my life. It brings me to deep dark places that no one understands.
I want to be a sister, friend, mom, wife.
But I'm tied down.
I am not ok. you ask I say "I'm doing ok. And inside I'm dying.
Lately I've been on medication and it made me loopy and I said things I could never take back. It wasn't on purpose. But I probably lost friends over it. Family even,
This disease eats at my soul. It consumes me every day. I makes me feel inadequate to do anything right.. I try, I do. But, no one understand and I am so ready to be with Jesus and make my families life easier, I just hold them back. My poor boys, How I love them. I want them to succeed! I want the best for them. And all they know is change. they don't know the stability that they crave.
I want to  be a light for Jesus, but how can he use ME? I'm such a mess. I need Jesus in this hour in this minute in this second! JESUS! JESUS!!
Please pray for me. the medications I'm on are not working. And I know this. But, I am not willing to leave my family again, My kids are probably traumatized. I would be. I AM.
Please PLEASE pray for us. For me. I can't keep going on.
I'm broken. Seeking Jesus. Seeking friendships. People just dont understand me. Ask me questions! I'll gladly answer. But, Most of all, Pray for my family.

Living day to day/!

I am just going to step out and say this has been the worst and BEST month of my life.
First the bad news.
I became manic severely last month.
It scares the crap out of me! I get so hipped up and CLEAN or do anything to help my mind slow down. 
The way my Bipolar/PTSD/Anxiety run, are not the same as someone who has been to war or seen a horrific scene. 
A couple months ago we were doing great, I was in my medication and everything seemed perfect. Then we had a FLEA infestation (along with our neighbors!) so, we talked to Ron and Sherri (Joe's step dad and mom.) and we are paying rent and staying here until we can get some bills paid off. It hasn't been too bad. "yet" ha ha, it is always hard living with family. 
The other bad thing that happened this month is that after the flea infestation, I started to become Manic. Like seriously I could not sleep!!  for almost a week. I told Joe since we couldn't afford the 430 dollar payment for the antidepressant, that I needed to be put inpatient. So, I voluntarily admitted myself to the Red Rock crisis center. I was there almost a week but, I should have stayed longer. My body was ready to go but, I was not on the right medications! 
Now, I sleep a couple hours a night.I went in today and saw my psychologist and he was not my normal doctor. He was RUDE and Pushy and just wanted to get to the next case. Im not going to see him ever again. (he was new there but still rude!!) 
the medication I am on has me getting hallucination, hear voices, stuttering (Like my brain is going 100mph and I can get the words out. I also cant sleep.I am so manic. You have no idea how your body can betray you and everything falls apart.
SO, 
They BEST new is on August 27th 2015 I gave my life to Jesus. I thought I WAS saved but realized that I gave God only PART of me. Not all of me. So, I prayed and gave Him ALL of me!! 
Praise the name of Jesus!!!
Please pray for the boys as they transition into their new school. so far we are on a great track!!!!
pray for Joe as he has to put up with me and it is hard for me to let him touch me. That has to do with past issues also. 
Thanks for reading and the prayers!!!!

Life happens

So, I cant remember if I told you last time but, we had to move due to a severe flea infestation.
We are now living at my in laws (Haskins).
Joe is currently working in Purcell. That's 45 minutes one way. :/ But he is doing well.
We got the kids enrolled in school here where we are now. I HATED moving them from their last school but, life happens. I feel like it is so unfair to move sooo much. :(
As for me, I need prayers. I don't even know if anyone reads these blogs anymore but, it is a great way to let my mind decompress. :) 
First off the bad. I'm really manic right now. I haven't slept for more than a couple hours a day for weeks. Today is the first time I feel as if I'm coming down from my manic state. Which is great. But, scary. This usually means a strong depression to come. I have never had a manic mode like this. Ever. Its so overwhelming and most people don't understand. On the plus side, the house is spotless. And the garden is looking healthy. I just can not concentrate on one thing for more than a couple minutes. I use my smoking as a coping skill. I know that is awful. But it calms my brain for at least a moment.
I went on Monday to HOPE. It's a place for low income families who need help with mental illness. I was there just doing the in processing for 7 HOURS. But, I'm grateful they are there to help. I'll have my first psychiatrist appointment on the 13th. Hopefully after that I can get back on the right medications. I also found out today that the boys and I both qualify for state health. Which is great because we need it but, I feel bad for having to use it at all. I guess I just don't want the government all up in my business. LOL.
So, Life has been going in a fast "euphoric" way for me. I love feeling happy but, I know that this will end. :( I need prayers that I don't fall hard. Prayers that I can get my "old" antidepressant filled to last me until I get me regular medication. 
Also, I need prayer for peace. I am having severe anxiety over the summer ending and the boys being at school all day. I can't get a job because of my issues (bipolar, PTSD, anxiety) because some days I just cant function. But, there is an animal shelter down the street and I may try and volunteer just to get out of the house and not trap myself.
So, I guess that sums up our lives right now.
Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for reading :) 

HOME?

Im tired. Physically, mentally, spiritually. I know God has a plan and I pray and seek. I must be missing something.
Living in the "uknown" of where our HOUSE will be is suffocating. But, knowing God has a plan for our HOME our family and or every need is such a huge part of how I live day by day.
Sometimes it is too overwhelming and I want to run away. Leave the past and begin again. But, God wants me to trust, believe and have faith that His plan is better and greater then I can ever imagine.
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust thee! (or do I?) have you ever thought about how God must feel when he sees His children, His precious children, suffering, lying or just giving up and walking away.
I want to walk with pride and people to see and KNOW why my life is different. Because of Jesus!!
I do not condone gay marriage, Gay relationships and I dont condone racism for people who are red, yellow, black or white or anything inbetween.
I trust God knows why He states in The Holy Bible, that a marriage is between a man and women and why He said love thy neighbor as thy self.
I dont believe that everything happens for a reason or that we were born without a choice. We have two choices in life. Two.
One, to believe in Jesus Christ, ask His forgiveness for our sins and accept His forgiveness as a FREE GIFT TO ALL MAN KIND. Or accept the lies and fake pleasure of what the devil has to offer. Its fun. Its exciting. But, he is here to deceive and condem to hell those who follow Him.

I choose JESUS. I choose to live a ratical life on fire for my Savior. The one who heals, restores and brings LIFE to those who ask.
Im tired of being a Christian. Im now proclaiming I am not a Christian. I am a Jesus lover, Jesus follower and I will persue HIM until I am HOME. Heaven is my HOME.

Call me whatever you want. No matter what you choose or believe, I choose to love YOU. Because God called me to do so. But, this does not mean I have to love your lifestyle. It doesn't mean I have to choose to walk on egg shells in fear of what may happen when I say I will not stand for gay marriages or rights. Or stand for people who are racist. I will stand up for what I believe and I will lay down my life for Jesus. So hear me friends, you may be mad. You may "unfriend" me, you may never talk to me again but, know this, when our days end (and they will soon) you will have made your choice. I hope to see you in my forever HOME.

Slacker

yes, I am THAT blogger. The one who comes and goes on a whim :P 

Sorry!

So, I'll start with an update. We have had some major, huge, emotional changes in our lives lately.
First, Joe lost his job at Bob Moore. But, Because we had over paid our health insurance (A LOT!!!!)  we have been OK financially. But, during this time we realized we had a MAJOR flea infestation at our apartments. We were not sure if we caused it from a relatives house so, We tried to take care of the issue ourselves. DIDN'T HELP AT ALL! We notified our apartments and they did nothing. We moved out of our apartment on June 4th. And have not been back since. We have had to stay with gracious family during this time. We have notified our apartments 3 times (4 tomorrow). And I have called the health department, district attorney AND the BBB. I've also received some legal counsel. Please pray with us that we can get this solved! It has been a nightmare. In between all this happening, my in laws moved and needed help. Joe's grandmothers house had to be packed and moved. Life has just been a little CRAZY. For now we are currently living at my parents house. Joe is working at Wade Higgins in Purcell. The boys were able to attend VBS last week. And today we took the to see " Inside out" Which I have to admit was a good movie! :) 
Health wise I have been mentally doing OK. I had a kidney stone last week but it has either passed OR is somewhere not bothering me. YA!!
Will you please continue to pray for us as we search for a new place and also try to resolve the situation with our apartments?? Thank you!!!
So, I read this today in my devotional and thought I would share.
Jerusalem says, 
"The Lord has deserted us; 
the Lord has forgotten us."
"Never! can a mother forget her nursing child?
Can she feel no love for the child she has borne?
But even if that were possible.
I would not forget you!!
See, I have written your name on the palms on my hands."
Isaiah 49:14-16 (NLT)
                              

Antibiotics, stress, and confessions

As some of you know, I have SURRENDERED all our finances to Joe (for the last 13 years I have always done all the bills and taken care of everything involving money). Since I surrendered to to Joe and God, I have seen such a huge drop in my stress levels! I don't need to WORRY constantly and it's amazing! BUT, lately, my control issues have been trying to slip back. And so had the stress! I'm dying going through this rough patch. But, I keep reminding myself "God has control and Joe is Gods helper not ME". :)
On another note, I have diverticulitis and I AM HURTING like no ones business even on the NASTY antibiotics and pain medications. I MAY end up being put in the hospital for IV pain medication and IV antibiotics. ICK!!! 
Please pray for Joe and his job as he has been sick and not able to work.
Please pray for me and my sufferings.
And for patients from the kids.
Thanks!!