Yesterday was awful. emotionally, mentally and with my kids.
Today started off rough. Kid wise they have been acting up a lot. I was at my wits end and wanting to pull out my hair. But, after some discipline and talking to, they really worked on their attitudes and we ALL had a better day.
For a lot of you guys, this is going to sound crazy but, I did stuff today! normal human things like, got dressed, drove to the store WITH the kids, cleaned both bathroom AND made dinner. Ok, it was just mac n cheese BUT, I haven't "cooked" in a LONG time.
So, yesterday at my appointment my doctor was really worried I needed to go back inpatient (I signed into a mental facility on the 8th of December and got out the 11th) When I was inpatient, the doctor took me off my medicine Celexa that I had been on since 2010. They couldn't up the dose without it affecting my heart. So, he put me on Zoloft. I was allowed to leave the next day. (I was NOT ready but, with the holidays and all I wanted OUT). So, from the 9th until yesterday I was on Zoloft. And I was obviously miserable. Angry. WORSE then before. Yesterday Joe went with me and we talked to my doctor for a long time (He's awesome!) and he changed my medication to Fetzima along with anxiety and sleeping pills. Last night I didn't sleep well BUT, when I did, I had HAPPY dreams!!! YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA HOW THAT ALONE MAKES ME FEEL!!! I didn't wake screaming, or in a panic attack. It was glorious.
And, I started back crocheting. I have two blankets that need to be done soon and then, four more.
I guess that's all I got for today. I will keep you updated. Please pray I find and can get into (usually the wait is 4-6 weeks) to see a psychologist. And I'm also on the hunt for a good counselor.
Thank you to everyone who has been following and also everyone who is praying!
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Monday, December 29, 2014
Part 2
*again, there may be sensitive subject matter. Readers be advised*
First off, I want yall to know I have a doctor appointment today. Hoping my doctor can help me find the "right" mix to help me start out of this hole.
So, In May 2010 we moved to NM. We had people we knew there and we were very surprised at the acceptance and help we got from them all.
Things in NM started off really well. We loved our new church and loved, LOVED NM in general. Things really started to go down hill so to speak in August that year. We fostered a young man and he had many problems of his own. We set boundaries and we were always at church. But, things with said young man (18) were rough. Trying to make him go to school and church. Eventually we met with the principle at his school and he dropped out and joined GED classes. We told him he had to have a job. Of course help with bills, rent ect. During this time Joe stepped away from selling cars for a go at the oil fields. He was gone 4 weeks out of a month. Which left me with being a single mom and having a foster. I was not getting counseling I needed and not on medication. I went down hill FAST. By that fall I was doing things I never would have. (I'm not going into details) Foster son left to a live in trade school. Just after that Joe's brother moved down. Joe had met a guy who promised him more money to go work for him and after Joe's brother and family moved to NM, we found out it was all lies. We couldn't pay rent or anything. We (all 7 of us) were evicted and made the move to Roswell. We lived in a motel for a couple weeks. The guys (Joe and his brother) worked at a car dealership across the street. Joe met a lady who rented out houses and we moved into one. It didn't take long to figure out that we were in trouble. The living with other people, no money and me not all there. So, my in-laws were supposed to come for thanksgiving 2012 and when they got there we instead loaded up everything we owned and left back to Oklahoma.
Once we were back, Joe got back into sales and we got involved at LifeChurch.tv (whoot!) I was still suffering. So, I heard of a place that helped poor people. I got to see a doctor once and was put on medication. We soon moved into a house and got settled. Joe had a heart issue in January 2013 which led to another job loss and another change in income. We ended up moving into our in-laws house in September 2013 and stayed and saved money. We moved out in May 2014. And again were hit with a job change. We had worked so hard at renovating the house we were in I was devastated!!!! We ended up in a motel 6 after that for two months. Which leads to now. We now have a apartment and are doing well BUT, I still have NOT dealt with ANY of my past issues. I have kept it in and just dealt with the yearly depressions. The nightmares and the not being present for my family.
So, NOW I am going to seek the help I need. I'm reaching out to you for prayers and understanding and forgiveness. I have done a lot wrong. I'm not proud and I know I need help and not just medically but spiritually and emotionally. Thanks for reading and I'll keep posting as things change. Living with PTSD is not a figment of your imagination. This is real.
First off, I want yall to know I have a doctor appointment today. Hoping my doctor can help me find the "right" mix to help me start out of this hole.
So, In May 2010 we moved to NM. We had people we knew there and we were very surprised at the acceptance and help we got from them all.
Things in NM started off really well. We loved our new church and loved, LOVED NM in general. Things really started to go down hill so to speak in August that year. We fostered a young man and he had many problems of his own. We set boundaries and we were always at church. But, things with said young man (18) were rough. Trying to make him go to school and church. Eventually we met with the principle at his school and he dropped out and joined GED classes. We told him he had to have a job. Of course help with bills, rent ect. During this time Joe stepped away from selling cars for a go at the oil fields. He was gone 4 weeks out of a month. Which left me with being a single mom and having a foster. I was not getting counseling I needed and not on medication. I went down hill FAST. By that fall I was doing things I never would have. (I'm not going into details) Foster son left to a live in trade school. Just after that Joe's brother moved down. Joe had met a guy who promised him more money to go work for him and after Joe's brother and family moved to NM, we found out it was all lies. We couldn't pay rent or anything. We (all 7 of us) were evicted and made the move to Roswell. We lived in a motel for a couple weeks. The guys (Joe and his brother) worked at a car dealership across the street. Joe met a lady who rented out houses and we moved into one. It didn't take long to figure out that we were in trouble. The living with other people, no money and me not all there. So, my in-laws were supposed to come for thanksgiving 2012 and when they got there we instead loaded up everything we owned and left back to Oklahoma.
Once we were back, Joe got back into sales and we got involved at LifeChurch.tv (whoot!) I was still suffering. So, I heard of a place that helped poor people. I got to see a doctor once and was put on medication. We soon moved into a house and got settled. Joe had a heart issue in January 2013 which led to another job loss and another change in income. We ended up moving into our in-laws house in September 2013 and stayed and saved money. We moved out in May 2014. And again were hit with a job change. We had worked so hard at renovating the house we were in I was devastated!!!! We ended up in a motel 6 after that for two months. Which leads to now. We now have a apartment and are doing well BUT, I still have NOT dealt with ANY of my past issues. I have kept it in and just dealt with the yearly depressions. The nightmares and the not being present for my family.
So, NOW I am going to seek the help I need. I'm reaching out to you for prayers and understanding and forgiveness. I have done a lot wrong. I'm not proud and I know I need help and not just medically but spiritually and emotionally. Thanks for reading and I'll keep posting as things change. Living with PTSD is not a figment of your imagination. This is real.
Sunday, December 28, 2014
the bottom... Where it began
*This is LONG. This is TRUE. This may need to not be read without parental discretion*
Ok, here comes the real me. I'm not doing this for attention I'm not doing this for you to feel bad for me. I write because it helps me clear my head as I look for normal. For me I'm living in a dark place. I question if this is due to just anatomy? or if I'm just a bad person? or maybe I haven't found Christ? I have prayed over and over for forgiveness and I ask Jesus to be my Lord and savior yet, I feel like I'm still lost. Am I the only one who prayers for salvation and feels I'm not excepted?
Am I doing it all wrong?
Right now in this moment, I feel angry. I feel like a worthless mom because I cant (AND I'M TRYING!) love the kids I have. I yurn'd for so long for more babies but, maybe God knew I'd be a bad mom and that's why I had to have the hysterectomy? I couldn't be the loving mom more children need much less my own. I am scared. I worry constantly. I love my husband but in all honesty I don't know why he is still here. Why does he love ME? why hasn't he found a new, better mom for his kids? A better lover and a sane person to love? This new medication has taken away my joy, hope, fight, love , I AM NOT SARAH. I AM WHO THE DEVIL IS TRYING TO MAKE ME BELIEVE I AM.
I'm a wife of twelve years, I'm a mom and try my hardest to love and spoil my boys. I am a human being whom deserves Gods forgiveness. I am me. But, right now pumping these drugs into my body trying to "feel" normal is not helping or "normal"
Honestly I have three, THREE people I know I can talk to and tell them I'm not ok and they understand and encourage me.
I don't want to go out. I smoke and Im embarrassed by it. It helps soothe my moments of panic but, I feel like people are disgusted by it and would rather just not have me around. I'm embarrassed to be me. I'm embarrassed for my family.
PART 1
I left my love for my husband years ago when he had an addiction to porn. I "loved" him but, couldn't love the way God wanted me to. and even before that, I walked away from God and my parents. Going behind their backs. lying. And not caring. Early in my marriage I have hardly any memories of the early days. OR of son #1's first years. My husband was young and moved job to job, we lived so many different places I cant even begin to explain how many. I'm usually lucky to be in one place a year. I began to resent my husband and decided in 2008 to leave him. my kids and I actually lived with his family while he slept in a camper. I started school to be a medical assistant. I found out in 2008 I had a "suspicious" spot on my uterus. Joe and I started marriage counseling and moved back together. He again lost his job in 2009 around the time I was scheduled to have my first "pre hysterectomy" surgery. I was still not in love with my husband I resented him. We moved in with my parents. I then had my hysterectomy. and MANY other surgeries due to trying to save an ovary. During this time I started looking for love. From anyone. I didn't care who. we moved into what I call the pearl house. I was having a hard time recovering. I wasn't mentally ok and I was trying to homeschool my oldest son. Which meant, he played Xbox all day while I did absolutely as little as possible even with his younger brother. During this time, my husband and I were in an open relationship with another couple. (I know this is wrong but, I didn't care I just wanted "love") so, we were scheduled to go do stuff with said couple while they were in town. Before they came I had to have my appendix taken out. We were house sitting and the last thing I remember was talking to the other male in the situation about plans during their visit and I had taken a sleep medication. 15 minutes later I had a seizure. I hit my head. I remember being in the ER. I remember asking for the other male. I remember the doctor telling my husband to let me read my old journals because they could "trigger" memories. The doctor didn't know that most of what I journal was hard times. Times I was angry and not any happy moments. After said couple left and after I read these journals, I looked at Joe and asked for a divorce. I didn't like him, didn't love him didn't care who he or his kids were. He told me to call his mom. I did. I was admitted to the psychiatric unit at Bethany. I was there a long time. During that time Male "a" and female "B" became really close friends with me and convinced me how awful my past was and I should leave with them. We exchanged numbers and such. I believe it was two weeks later I left the hospital with Joe. With no plans to stay with him. I left a few days later with some Hispanic people and female "b". The house they took me to had no heat (Remember that blizzard that came through in 2009?) the place was disgusting. Joe asked my to sign divorce papers and to give him custody. I did it. no problem. I had a tiny little laptop that I took when I left Joe. I would go and find free wifi and get on fb (It would automatically sign me in I didn't remember passwords ect) my aunt got ahold of me and begged to come and get me. I let her. While I was with her I was still struggling. memories were in and out. But, I was still in contact with "the crazy house clan" (haha) and one of them talked me into buying him a ticket to come to see me (two hours away). he stayed for a week. My aunt caught us sleeping in the same bed and got mad (I'm so sorry still... so guilty) and lets call him by his name because he deserves to be known. Eric got mad. Talked me into hitch hiking from North Oklahoma to OKC. I am BEYOUND BLESSED that the man who pulled over and gave me a ride just talked about Canadian geese the whole way. I'm lucky I didn't get killed. Anyway, that was a Sunday. Monday morning Eric took me to his "friends" house and this huge man looked at me and said "She's in" I asked Eric what was going on and he said "I was in the gang and if I left I would get shot" So, now I am being held against my will. During this time it is kind of a blur. I know I was dragged everywhere. Saw people have their knees shot off for owing drug money. Saw people do things to other people I have nightmares over. I was forced to drink a strong alcohol in a race against a she-man and whoever lost had to fight the other she-man. I drank so many shots so fast I won but I also got really sick. That night a man came into the room I was in and rapped me. Over and over. Eric came in saw what was up and laughed. laughed. I can't even explain to you that place. mice everywhere. All we had to eat was rotten yogurt and bad bread. There was Weed, cocaine, and other drugs everywhere. I never did the drugs. But, I started smoking cigarettes. Ok, I'm forgetting to mention there were KIDS in this place. kids seeing and living like this. I had a cell phone (Joe got me one before I left northern Oklahoma) and I started to text him. I put his name in as a females and as my memories started coming back, I started to tell him what was going on. I needed help but, I couldn't tell Joe where I was our he would have come and probably been hurt. Eric got really messed up on a Sunday night. His cousin came to check on him and when she did she looked at me and said I know whats going on. While he is messed up GO. NOW. So, I put some stuff in a bag and left. He found me. hit me. Yelled. Then got into a fight with another man. Got his gun and left. and when he did, I left too. I ran. Hide behind a car and wall and called Joe. He didn't answer. I called his mom (He was staying with her) and she got him. I begged him to get me. to help. But, it was too dangerous. So, his mom called the cops who came in silently and as I walked down the road the way I was instructed to, I could hear gun shots. I saw the cop. He asked if I needed help. I said yes! and I would tell him everything if he would let me in the car. He took my back to the police station. I told him everything I could. Then I was released to my parents. I was not me. I was sick. mentally and physically. I stayed with my parents about a month. I healed physically but, I obviously still have major trauma from this. Joe and I went to weekly counseling but didn't live together. We were advised to leave the state due to the threats I had gotten. And so started our journey to NM.
To be continued...
Ok, here comes the real me. I'm not doing this for attention I'm not doing this for you to feel bad for me. I write because it helps me clear my head as I look for normal. For me I'm living in a dark place. I question if this is due to just anatomy? or if I'm just a bad person? or maybe I haven't found Christ? I have prayed over and over for forgiveness and I ask Jesus to be my Lord and savior yet, I feel like I'm still lost. Am I the only one who prayers for salvation and feels I'm not excepted?
Am I doing it all wrong?
Right now in this moment, I feel angry. I feel like a worthless mom because I cant (AND I'M TRYING!) love the kids I have. I yurn'd for so long for more babies but, maybe God knew I'd be a bad mom and that's why I had to have the hysterectomy? I couldn't be the loving mom more children need much less my own. I am scared. I worry constantly. I love my husband but in all honesty I don't know why he is still here. Why does he love ME? why hasn't he found a new, better mom for his kids? A better lover and a sane person to love? This new medication has taken away my joy, hope, fight, love , I AM NOT SARAH. I AM WHO THE DEVIL IS TRYING TO MAKE ME BELIEVE I AM.
I'm a wife of twelve years, I'm a mom and try my hardest to love and spoil my boys. I am a human being whom deserves Gods forgiveness. I am me. But, right now pumping these drugs into my body trying to "feel" normal is not helping or "normal"
Honestly I have three, THREE people I know I can talk to and tell them I'm not ok and they understand and encourage me.
I don't want to go out. I smoke and Im embarrassed by it. It helps soothe my moments of panic but, I feel like people are disgusted by it and would rather just not have me around. I'm embarrassed to be me. I'm embarrassed for my family.
PART 1
I left my love for my husband years ago when he had an addiction to porn. I "loved" him but, couldn't love the way God wanted me to. and even before that, I walked away from God and my parents. Going behind their backs. lying. And not caring. Early in my marriage I have hardly any memories of the early days. OR of son #1's first years. My husband was young and moved job to job, we lived so many different places I cant even begin to explain how many. I'm usually lucky to be in one place a year. I began to resent my husband and decided in 2008 to leave him. my kids and I actually lived with his family while he slept in a camper. I started school to be a medical assistant. I found out in 2008 I had a "suspicious" spot on my uterus. Joe and I started marriage counseling and moved back together. He again lost his job in 2009 around the time I was scheduled to have my first "pre hysterectomy" surgery. I was still not in love with my husband I resented him. We moved in with my parents. I then had my hysterectomy. and MANY other surgeries due to trying to save an ovary. During this time I started looking for love. From anyone. I didn't care who. we moved into what I call the pearl house. I was having a hard time recovering. I wasn't mentally ok and I was trying to homeschool my oldest son. Which meant, he played Xbox all day while I did absolutely as little as possible even with his younger brother. During this time, my husband and I were in an open relationship with another couple. (I know this is wrong but, I didn't care I just wanted "love") so, we were scheduled to go do stuff with said couple while they were in town. Before they came I had to have my appendix taken out. We were house sitting and the last thing I remember was talking to the other male in the situation about plans during their visit and I had taken a sleep medication. 15 minutes later I had a seizure. I hit my head. I remember being in the ER. I remember asking for the other male. I remember the doctor telling my husband to let me read my old journals because they could "trigger" memories. The doctor didn't know that most of what I journal was hard times. Times I was angry and not any happy moments. After said couple left and after I read these journals, I looked at Joe and asked for a divorce. I didn't like him, didn't love him didn't care who he or his kids were. He told me to call his mom. I did. I was admitted to the psychiatric unit at Bethany. I was there a long time. During that time Male "a" and female "B" became really close friends with me and convinced me how awful my past was and I should leave with them. We exchanged numbers and such. I believe it was two weeks later I left the hospital with Joe. With no plans to stay with him. I left a few days later with some Hispanic people and female "b". The house they took me to had no heat (Remember that blizzard that came through in 2009?) the place was disgusting. Joe asked my to sign divorce papers and to give him custody. I did it. no problem. I had a tiny little laptop that I took when I left Joe. I would go and find free wifi and get on fb (It would automatically sign me in I didn't remember passwords ect) my aunt got ahold of me and begged to come and get me. I let her. While I was with her I was still struggling. memories were in and out. But, I was still in contact with "the crazy house clan" (haha) and one of them talked me into buying him a ticket to come to see me (two hours away). he stayed for a week. My aunt caught us sleeping in the same bed and got mad (I'm so sorry still... so guilty) and lets call him by his name because he deserves to be known. Eric got mad. Talked me into hitch hiking from North Oklahoma to OKC. I am BEYOUND BLESSED that the man who pulled over and gave me a ride just talked about Canadian geese the whole way. I'm lucky I didn't get killed. Anyway, that was a Sunday. Monday morning Eric took me to his "friends" house and this huge man looked at me and said "She's in" I asked Eric what was going on and he said "I was in the gang and if I left I would get shot" So, now I am being held against my will. During this time it is kind of a blur. I know I was dragged everywhere. Saw people have their knees shot off for owing drug money. Saw people do things to other people I have nightmares over. I was forced to drink a strong alcohol in a race against a she-man and whoever lost had to fight the other she-man. I drank so many shots so fast I won but I also got really sick. That night a man came into the room I was in and rapped me. Over and over. Eric came in saw what was up and laughed. laughed. I can't even explain to you that place. mice everywhere. All we had to eat was rotten yogurt and bad bread. There was Weed, cocaine, and other drugs everywhere. I never did the drugs. But, I started smoking cigarettes. Ok, I'm forgetting to mention there were KIDS in this place. kids seeing and living like this. I had a cell phone (Joe got me one before I left northern Oklahoma) and I started to text him. I put his name in as a females and as my memories started coming back, I started to tell him what was going on. I needed help but, I couldn't tell Joe where I was our he would have come and probably been hurt. Eric got really messed up on a Sunday night. His cousin came to check on him and when she did she looked at me and said I know whats going on. While he is messed up GO. NOW. So, I put some stuff in a bag and left. He found me. hit me. Yelled. Then got into a fight with another man. Got his gun and left. and when he did, I left too. I ran. Hide behind a car and wall and called Joe. He didn't answer. I called his mom (He was staying with her) and she got him. I begged him to get me. to help. But, it was too dangerous. So, his mom called the cops who came in silently and as I walked down the road the way I was instructed to, I could hear gun shots. I saw the cop. He asked if I needed help. I said yes! and I would tell him everything if he would let me in the car. He took my back to the police station. I told him everything I could. Then I was released to my parents. I was not me. I was sick. mentally and physically. I stayed with my parents about a month. I healed physically but, I obviously still have major trauma from this. Joe and I went to weekly counseling but didn't live together. We were advised to leave the state due to the threats I had gotten. And so started our journey to NM.
To be continued...
Saturday, December 27, 2014
The good, the bad and the ugly
I'm almost positive now this new medication is not working. I am having the worst nightmares, no energy and no appetite.
Christmas eve I was ill (physically) and so didn't join in on the festivities.
Christmas day I was without fever for 24 hours so I was able to join the three other celebrations. The first one went great, I had little anxiety and was able to join in well. The 2nd went pretty good too. On the way there I was worried. Most of the time this location is really difficult for me. But, it went really well. By the time it was over, I was anxiety ridden, emotionally drained and tired. The third place is always a laid back kind of atmosphere. So, we went but, weren't there too long. We came home and my anxiety was crazy. I was panic stricken and overwhelmed. After the kids were in bed, I went and laid down. I woke and something happened between Joe and I. Throughout the rest of the night I had nightmares of killing myself. watching people die. Waking up and not knowing if I was really awake or if I was dreaming. unless you've lived this hell, you wont understand. Things trigger strange reactions. I am now still dealing with the effects of that argument and the nightmares. And I have no patients, anxiety and no desire to do anything but cry. My boys are on winter break so, I cant just sit and cry. So, I sit and will myself not to do anything stupid while they play with new toys and fight over them too ;) .
I hate you PTSD, you have stolen my joy, my love, my parenting, my LIFE. But, I am fighting back!!!!!!!! and not alone! JESUS, JESUS!! Come and take my demons save me from this...
Christmas eve I was ill (physically) and so didn't join in on the festivities.
Christmas day I was without fever for 24 hours so I was able to join the three other celebrations. The first one went great, I had little anxiety and was able to join in well. The 2nd went pretty good too. On the way there I was worried. Most of the time this location is really difficult for me. But, it went really well. By the time it was over, I was anxiety ridden, emotionally drained and tired. The third place is always a laid back kind of atmosphere. So, we went but, weren't there too long. We came home and my anxiety was crazy. I was panic stricken and overwhelmed. After the kids were in bed, I went and laid down. I woke and something happened between Joe and I. Throughout the rest of the night I had nightmares of killing myself. watching people die. Waking up and not knowing if I was really awake or if I was dreaming. unless you've lived this hell, you wont understand. Things trigger strange reactions. I am now still dealing with the effects of that argument and the nightmares. And I have no patients, anxiety and no desire to do anything but cry. My boys are on winter break so, I cant just sit and cry. So, I sit and will myself not to do anything stupid while they play with new toys and fight over them too ;) .
I hate you PTSD, you have stolen my joy, my love, my parenting, my LIFE. But, I am fighting back!!!!!!!! and not alone! JESUS, JESUS!! Come and take my demons save me from this...
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Christmas eve
Today we celebrate the day before the birth of our Lord and Savior. Can you imagine what Mary must have been going through? I wish the was a "home video" of it all!! What an exciting day!
While most of Joe's side of the family gather for the last time at our Grams (she is now in a assisted living center) eating, and enjoying seeing family I am home. I have the flu. Its such an awful time to be sick.
IF I can stay fever free for 24 hours then, I can join my sides and then Joe's side tomorrow! I am looking forward to that!! so, today is a day of rest for me.
Emotionally, physically and mentally I feel drained today. But, I'm praying tomorrow will be better!!
"For I know the plans I have for YOU declares the Lord"
Holding on to his promise!!!
While most of Joe's side of the family gather for the last time at our Grams (she is now in a assisted living center) eating, and enjoying seeing family I am home. I have the flu. Its such an awful time to be sick.
IF I can stay fever free for 24 hours then, I can join my sides and then Joe's side tomorrow! I am looking forward to that!! so, today is a day of rest for me.
Emotionally, physically and mentally I feel drained today. But, I'm praying tomorrow will be better!!
"For I know the plans I have for YOU declares the Lord"
Holding on to his promise!!!
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Here today, gone tomorrow
Hi again :)
I'm sorry for the lack of posting. I have days where I just cant do life. Lately, I have been overwhelmed with Christmas coming and just the holiday season in general.
So, I have had to remind myself,
"Cast all your ANXIETY on Him, because HE cares for YOU!" (1Peter 5:7)
So, as the gift making (I'm a Crocheter and am TRYING to make everyone's gifts. But I come from a LARGE family) continues I become more and more anxiety driven.
I also have a really bad head, chest, really yucky thing going on and I don't feel like doing anything at all. I'm trying to decide if it is because of the depression or being sick.
As far as my PTSD right now, I cant tell at all if the new medication Zoloft (daily) and klonopin (as needed 3xs a day)is actually working or not. I don't feel suicidal! that's a plus! I am smoking more (YES, I smoke. Yes, I know its bad and YES, I've tried the vapor (gave me pneumonia twice!) and I've tried patches and gum. BUT, MY DOCTOR SAID DON'T STOP COLD TURKEY! as MANY have told me to do. I am working on a plan with HIM (The doctor!). Sorry for the rant, I get a lot of "advice" from well, everyone.
Ok, I'm sorry. Had to get that off my chest :P
So, as far as my treatment goes I am set to go to my initial appointment with a physiatrist on the 6th. My overall mood has been pretty crappy. But, again I think for this time of year that triggers me I am doing better then I usually would.
I have to say my husband has been my rock. I don't know if I was in his shoes if I'd put up with someone like me. He has been such a support and such an encouragement to me. And the BEST dad as I have been slacking in the mom role. I cant even explain to you how much I love that man!
I will end with this:
1 Peter 3-9
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade--kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
I'm sorry for the lack of posting. I have days where I just cant do life. Lately, I have been overwhelmed with Christmas coming and just the holiday season in general.
So, I have had to remind myself,
"Cast all your ANXIETY on Him, because HE cares for YOU!" (1Peter 5:7)
So, as the gift making (I'm a Crocheter and am TRYING to make everyone's gifts. But I come from a LARGE family) continues I become more and more anxiety driven.
I also have a really bad head, chest, really yucky thing going on and I don't feel like doing anything at all. I'm trying to decide if it is because of the depression or being sick.
As far as my PTSD right now, I cant tell at all if the new medication Zoloft (daily) and klonopin (as needed 3xs a day)is actually working or not. I don't feel suicidal! that's a plus! I am smoking more (YES, I smoke. Yes, I know its bad and YES, I've tried the vapor (gave me pneumonia twice!) and I've tried patches and gum. BUT, MY DOCTOR SAID DON'T STOP COLD TURKEY! as MANY have told me to do. I am working on a plan with HIM (The doctor!). Sorry for the rant, I get a lot of "advice" from well, everyone.
Ok, I'm sorry. Had to get that off my chest :P
So, as far as my treatment goes I am set to go to my initial appointment with a physiatrist on the 6th. My overall mood has been pretty crappy. But, again I think for this time of year that triggers me I am doing better then I usually would.
I have to say my husband has been my rock. I don't know if I was in his shoes if I'd put up with someone like me. He has been such a support and such an encouragement to me. And the BEST dad as I have been slacking in the mom role. I cant even explain to you how much I love that man!
I will end with this:
1 Peter 3-9
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade--kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
Saturday, December 13, 2014
A little about PTSD
"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like Eagles; the will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"
Isaiah 40:31
I haven't shared my whole story yet. And I'm not sure when I will. But, Today was a day full of a PTSD issues. First off, I want to get you up to speed on what has happened the last few weeks. Because of the trauma I went through, This time of year (while it is by far my favorite weather wise!!) hits me like a train wreck. Memories flood back, nightmares come back worse and my emotional state is just "iffy" at best. So, my husband and I tried a few things. Like me getting back into crtotching. Which I absolutely love! And of course we are seeking God through this and praying. But, Sunday it all came to a huge crash and I was self admitted into the mental institution. I hated almost every second. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to express myself and I didn't want to open up about painful, excruciating things from my past. I was talked to, evaluated, listened to, cried with and now that it is over, I'm glad I went. Now, back to today. I was put on new medications (because the high does of my last antidepressant could've hurt my heart) the new one is stronger, I cant be alone for awhile until we see how it affects me. Dr. Phil (not his real name, he just looked like him! haha) also gave me other medications to help me when I have a panic attack and also medication to help me try and sleep. I'm telling you now, people whom don't suffer from PTSD, will never understand the dreams, fears and paranoia we live with. Night becomes an evil world of wars between goof and evil. I'm rambling again. Sorry.
Today I was with my Step Mother in-law all day. it was seemingly a good day over all but, I was certainly feeling the intensity of being around people. AND to make matters worse, my new medication makes me look like a drunk person from the outsiders view. Its bad. I am sleepy and tend to have coordination issues. So, Today was long, and emotional and I am to the point where the only place I want to be is in bed. BUT, the doctor said it shouldn't have such rough wide affects in a few weeks.
So, today I ask for prayers for good sleep.
Also, I need a good Christian counselor whom I can be brutally honest and share openly in detail.
Pray for my family and friends whom just don't understand this disease.
And most of all my children. Pray I am able to talk to them but have the right words to say.
Thanks Friends!
Friday, December 12, 2014
Welcome
Welcome,
The reason behind this blog will be an out let for me and also a way to share with others who suffer or have suffered with PTSD.
I will also share about family life and other happenings also.
I want to be honest. open. and even brutally real here. My story starts a long time ago and I'm not going to make you read my novel of a story here today. I just want to welcome you and encourage you.
You are loved, you are needed and you have a purpose.
These things I struggle with everyday. BUT, there IS one way I KNOW without a doubt it is TRUE!
God said
"For I know the plans I have for YOU declares the Lord, plans to PROSPER you, not to HARM you, plans for a HOPE and a FUTURE!" (Jeremiah 29:11)
WOW! the Bible which was written so long ago, had those exact words! God knew I would NEED those words to function. Even though, coming from the Bible it was written to the Israelites. It still holds a promise and a hope for so many people.
I was chosen, He has a plan for ME, and wants me to prosper! and not to be harmed and have HOPE! AND A FUTURE!!!
Praise the Lord!
The reason behind this blog will be an out let for me and also a way to share with others who suffer or have suffered with PTSD.
I will also share about family life and other happenings also.
I want to be honest. open. and even brutally real here. My story starts a long time ago and I'm not going to make you read my novel of a story here today. I just want to welcome you and encourage you.
You are loved, you are needed and you have a purpose.
These things I struggle with everyday. BUT, there IS one way I KNOW without a doubt it is TRUE!
God said
"For I know the plans I have for YOU declares the Lord, plans to PROSPER you, not to HARM you, plans for a HOPE and a FUTURE!" (Jeremiah 29:11)
WOW! the Bible which was written so long ago, had those exact words! God knew I would NEED those words to function. Even though, coming from the Bible it was written to the Israelites. It still holds a promise and a hope for so many people.
I was chosen, He has a plan for ME, and wants me to prosper! and not to be harmed and have HOPE! AND A FUTURE!!!
Praise the Lord!
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