I don't know where to start. I got a call from Joe at 10:00am. He got that check! Ladies and gentlemen! GOD is so faithful!! I knew He would provide. But, I questioned whether or not it would be TODAY or tomorrow, or three days.... I can not even begin to explain how being faithful to HIM has led me to walk in FAITH and HE has provided! I just want to shout it from the mountains!
My Jesus loves me. He wants me. He CARES about ME!
Do you know Him? Do you want to know Him? Let me take you to church! or, ask questions! I as you know, am no saint. But, God has shown me forgiveness, love, peace, joy and so much more!
Thank you all for the prayers!
GOD IS FAITHFUL!!
Monday, January 26, 2015
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Hello again :)
Hey y'all!
I'm sorry I haven't blogged in awhile. I have been super busy. Which, I guess is a good thing!
First off, I want to say thank you to everyone who has been praying for me and my family!! We are so grateful!
I have a lot of faith and trust issues. But, I wanted to tell y'all that I just started reading my Bible everyday and it has changed me! I promise you that there is more peace, more hope and comfort from this then all the medications I have been on. I still need to take my medication but, I am seeing life in a different way!! If you don't read your Bible or if you don't know Jesus as your personal savior, I would love to share with you the love, joy, peace and hope that I have now!!
Some of the highlights since I last posted are:
1. My sister had her fourth child, a girl! Now she has two girls and two boys! :)
2.My family threw my dad a surprise birthday party for his 60th birthday. It was so much fun but, I was mentally and emotionally drained after!!
3. My oldest son had a choir concert today after church!
We have been really busy! But, still I have a few things we are asking you to pray for.
First, I'm out of my antidepressants AND my anxiety medication. Oh, and my sleep aids! Yup, bad news. Joe is "supposed" to get a check tomorrow and I'm trying really hard to trust that God knows I NEED to go to see the doctor for refills. I am asking for prayers that we get this check so I don't have to be hospitalized again for refills and help to get my PTSD under control. I'm kind of panicking!
Also, we are still in the process of catching up on bills. Pray for Joe and I as we have been feeling stressed about this.
Other then those (major?) things, life has been going great. Like I said, reading my Bible and refocusing my life off myself and back on others has really changed me.
Thank you for praying for us. How can I pray for you???
I'm sorry I haven't blogged in awhile. I have been super busy. Which, I guess is a good thing!
First off, I want to say thank you to everyone who has been praying for me and my family!! We are so grateful!
I have a lot of faith and trust issues. But, I wanted to tell y'all that I just started reading my Bible everyday and it has changed me! I promise you that there is more peace, more hope and comfort from this then all the medications I have been on. I still need to take my medication but, I am seeing life in a different way!! If you don't read your Bible or if you don't know Jesus as your personal savior, I would love to share with you the love, joy, peace and hope that I have now!!
Some of the highlights since I last posted are:
1. My sister had her fourth child, a girl! Now she has two girls and two boys! :)
2.My family threw my dad a surprise birthday party for his 60th birthday. It was so much fun but, I was mentally and emotionally drained after!!
3. My oldest son had a choir concert today after church!
We have been really busy! But, still I have a few things we are asking you to pray for.
First, I'm out of my antidepressants AND my anxiety medication. Oh, and my sleep aids! Yup, bad news. Joe is "supposed" to get a check tomorrow and I'm trying really hard to trust that God knows I NEED to go to see the doctor for refills. I am asking for prayers that we get this check so I don't have to be hospitalized again for refills and help to get my PTSD under control. I'm kind of panicking!
Also, we are still in the process of catching up on bills. Pray for Joe and I as we have been feeling stressed about this.
Other then those (major?) things, life has been going great. Like I said, reading my Bible and refocusing my life off myself and back on others has really changed me.
Thank you for praying for us. How can I pray for you???
Friday, January 16, 2015
This is a GREAT day
I woke up with worship music in my heart and on my mind! I went and read my Bible and God spoke
2 Corinthians 4:7-10 (NLT)
7We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure.[b] This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.
8 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 10 Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.
Wow! It is amazing to have a different kind of relationship with God day to day when I DO as He says. Like read His word.
This weekend is a big weekend for us. Joe has his rotation of Saturday and Monday off!! whoot! This happens every 6 weeks. Man, I can't wait to spend a WHOLE weekend with him! AND my in-laws (Nanno and Poppa) are watching the kids over night tonight because, Joe and I got movie tickets for Christmas! So, we are having a REAL date night!!! AND church is Sunday!!! AND we got a gift for a year membership to a science museum and we are going there on Monday because the boys are out of school!!! yahoo!!!!
On a side note (I like my side notes! haha)
I need some prayers because
A. My blood pressure is too high
B. I ran out of my samples of anti depressants from my doctor so, I am subbing with the "angry" pills (Zoloft)
C. One of my best friends had a surgery yesterday and she is really down. PRAY for her healing physically and emotionally. I love her dearly.
Thanks again for reading and praying!!
2 Corinthians 4:7-10 (NLT)
7We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure.[b] This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.
8 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 10 Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.
Wow! It is amazing to have a different kind of relationship with God day to day when I DO as He says. Like read His word.
This weekend is a big weekend for us. Joe has his rotation of Saturday and Monday off!! whoot! This happens every 6 weeks. Man, I can't wait to spend a WHOLE weekend with him! AND my in-laws (Nanno and Poppa) are watching the kids over night tonight because, Joe and I got movie tickets for Christmas! So, we are having a REAL date night!!! AND church is Sunday!!! AND we got a gift for a year membership to a science museum and we are going there on Monday because the boys are out of school!!! yahoo!!!!
On a side note (I like my side notes! haha)
I need some prayers because
A. My blood pressure is too high
B. I ran out of my samples of anti depressants from my doctor so, I am subbing with the "angry" pills (Zoloft)
C. One of my best friends had a surgery yesterday and she is really down. PRAY for her healing physically and emotionally. I love her dearly.
Thanks again for reading and praying!!
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Because, GOD is bigger than my faith
Ok, so as I was saying last time, We are BROKE. Because Joe had a bad month last month we aren't able to pay rent, car payment, electric... nothing. We barely had money to get gas to drive the car.
So, we asked our church for help. We had our appointment today and after talking with one of the workers for a long time she said they would not be able to help us. We had been counting on their help. She gave us information from other resources that might be able to help. Usually (This has happened to us too many times to count. You think we would learn. Right? nope) this is the part where I usually FREAK out and start planning a move and packing and being angry. But, since I had released all financial obligations to Joe, I let HIM freak out! He called all the places recommended and no one could help. We talked to our office manager of the apartments and she told us about the eviction process (We have never been evicted). Then I took Joe to work. And because I have to have some kind of control and was doubting God and Joe, I went back to "our" motel where we had been living. I told them we may need to move back in. After that I headed home. Miserable, stressing out.
As I was leaving to go pick up the boys, Joe called and said "Babe, everything will be paid in full" WHAT!? He had been talking to his best friend and his best friend talked to the boss and the boss talked to Joe. (haha) He said they have an account to help employees who are in crisis! What!?
Ok, This is when I humbly, talked to God on the way to get the boys.
You see, I thought, God wasn't going to help. I thought, here we go again. And I was kinda happy Joe would see how it felt to see the boys faces when he told them we had to move. Again.
BUT, I had to ask God to forgive me. I am so faithless! Why did I doubt His provisions? I wasn't even the nicest person to deal with this morning for Joe.
Oh my lanta, I have a LOT to learn!!!
Mathew 6:25-27
So, we asked our church for help. We had our appointment today and after talking with one of the workers for a long time she said they would not be able to help us. We had been counting on their help. She gave us information from other resources that might be able to help. Usually (This has happened to us too many times to count. You think we would learn. Right? nope) this is the part where I usually FREAK out and start planning a move and packing and being angry. But, since I had released all financial obligations to Joe, I let HIM freak out! He called all the places recommended and no one could help. We talked to our office manager of the apartments and she told us about the eviction process (We have never been evicted). Then I took Joe to work. And because I have to have some kind of control and was doubting God and Joe, I went back to "our" motel where we had been living. I told them we may need to move back in. After that I headed home. Miserable, stressing out.
As I was leaving to go pick up the boys, Joe called and said "Babe, everything will be paid in full" WHAT!? He had been talking to his best friend and his best friend talked to the boss and the boss talked to Joe. (haha) He said they have an account to help employees who are in crisis! What!?
Ok, This is when I humbly, talked to God on the way to get the boys.
You see, I thought, God wasn't going to help. I thought, here we go again. And I was kinda happy Joe would see how it felt to see the boys faces when he told them we had to move. Again.
BUT, I had to ask God to forgive me. I am so faithless! Why did I doubt His provisions? I wasn't even the nicest person to deal with this morning for Joe.
Oh my lanta, I have a LOT to learn!!!
Mathew 6:25-27
Saturday, January 10, 2015
This is the part where you say...
Sarah, calm down and TRUST in the ONE who made you.
So, I was a little over dramatic yesterday. *SORRY*
Yes, everything was true.... But, I just had a moment. We are all allowed to do that sometimes.... Right?
As you can tell, today has been SO MUCH better. I'm loving laying around, in my PJ's, with my youngest. Doing nothing. Absolutely nothing! So nice not to think of things that need to be done.
But, tonight, I actually got stuff done!! :o I marinated chicken! What, no mac n cheese tomorrow! I planned a nice day, too. *side note* we go to church Sunday evenings. (COME! lifechurch.tv/moore) You can watch LIVE online OR come to one of our amazing services.
@ 8:30, 10:00, 11:30, 1, 5 and 6!
We obviously attend the Moore campus. We switched last week to the 5pm service because God is awesome and there isn't room and some of the earlier services.
(I'm unashamed of that plug for our church :p )
So, yeah, PTSD is weird. I may just write a "I hate life" blog again tomorrow OR NOT.
I got to spend a while reading God's word FIRST thing this morning and I know that helped me.
Now, I want to ask, How can I pray for you? I got two of the same journals for Christmas
So, I was a little over dramatic yesterday. *SORRY*
Yes, everything was true.... But, I just had a moment. We are all allowed to do that sometimes.... Right?
As you can tell, today has been SO MUCH better. I'm loving laying around, in my PJ's, with my youngest. Doing nothing. Absolutely nothing! So nice not to think of things that need to be done.
But, tonight, I actually got stuff done!! :o I marinated chicken! What, no mac n cheese tomorrow! I planned a nice day, too. *side note* we go to church Sunday evenings. (COME! lifechurch.tv/moore) You can watch LIVE online OR come to one of our amazing services.
@ 8:30, 10:00, 11:30, 1, 5 and 6!
We obviously attend the Moore campus. We switched last week to the 5pm service because God is awesome and there isn't room and some of the earlier services.
(I'm unashamed of that plug for our church :p )
So, yeah, PTSD is weird. I may just write a "I hate life" blog again tomorrow OR NOT.
I got to spend a while reading God's word FIRST thing this morning and I know that helped me.
Now, I want to ask, How can I pray for you? I got two of the same journals for Christmas
Both have my LIFE verse. TWO different sisters bought me this journal. I'm using one for daily talks with God but want to use the other one for prayer. Praying for you, my husband, my children.
So, would you privilege me with praying for you?
Friday, January 9, 2015
Shake it off
A PTSD day.
As I woke, I was scared. Alone but not "alone" as Joe was home. I was in an incredibly negative mood and angry. Angry at everyone and everything. I was to the point of deep despair. Now, those not living with PTSD, your not going to "get it". These things pop out of the blue. I think I had an incredible day yesterday. I felt good and even DROVE WITHOUT WRECKING OR KILLING ANYONE!! YAY! :)
But, SATAN crept in.... he wiggled his nasty self into my head and into my emotions. Causing FEAR, ANXIETY, DEPRESSION AND ANGER.
I took Joe to work and I went and spent some of our last money (YEP, I DID!) ON A WONDERFUL, YUMMY, FANTASTIC Rodeo burger, fries and zesty sauce from Burger King. I ate it and I raged with anger towards my husband and the situation (explanation coming) I was angry. I was HURT.
I came home and cried. THIS, THAT is not me! I want to be different! I want to live a life where I can say, Truth is truth and feel pride in what I do, say and feel.
I opened my Bible app. and read
"If you return to the Almighty, you will be restored- so clean up your life" (Job 22:23 (NLT))
*sigh.*
So, I prayed. Lord, help me clean up my life. I am a sinner, who needs a savior and a slave to the human race. Lord, have your way IN me. Please, dear Lord, Help me to be who you have created me to be.
(Back story)
Joe is in sales and as we say, "Killed" it two months ago. Which in turn means we made some nice money last month. We spent A LOT. You know Christmas, friends, eating out...
Last month as we say in the car business Joe "wiped out". Barely covered his draw (He gets a certain amount guaranteed twice a month but, out of it comes taxes, health insurance ect (which is almost his whole check) plus he gets a "commission" on what he sales on a different day) and we end up with hardly any money on the regular pay days. So on his "Commission" day we always use that to, pay bills, buy food ect.
Well, because we went over (WAY OVER) our said budget last month from his fantastic pay, we are now at the month that is BAD.(side note, this happens all the time in sales to everyone who works in the business. But, smart people save for the BAD months) SO, We made no commission for this month. So, We are suffering. (Now, don't feel sorry for us, we did this to ourselves!!) I just surrendered ALL the financial stuff to Joe because I can't be the one to call and say "Sorry, can't pay" or tell the kids we are moving (AGAIN) or carry that burden. When we got married at 20 and 17 we were young and stupid and Joe spent EVERY dime. (Sorry babe! I LOVE you! just being honest!) and I took over the role of making sure we paid bills, fed kids and had a place to stay. I covered for him every time something went wrong. I "thought" was MY job. But, these past few months I've realized. It's not. I'm not in charge. This job, I believe, the head of the house should carry. And, this has been given, shoved, forced, back to him. He is old enough, WISE enough and STRONG enough (emotionally) to do this. (I LOVE YOU BABE!! YOU'VE GOT THIS!!!)
I'm not going to lie, I am traumatized by all the job changes, the moving and the stress of the unknown. I can't even imagine what the kids feel.
So, this month will be a month of "Are we going to be able to pay the bills? or are we moving... again?"
And that is where my loving, wonderful, super awesome husband comes in. He tells me, remember your LIFE verse!! DO NOT WORRY! Sarah, you asked me to do this. I need you to be ok. Don't worry.
I surrender.....
I may worry. I do worry. I fear the unknown. But, more than just my husband carrying this, I know GOD is carrying it. HE LOVES ME! HE LOVES YOU! HE LOVES MY FAMILY!
Please pray for us as we work on learning and relearning life lessons. Pray as Joe Works and strives to LEAD us. Pray as I worry, not to worry. Pray mainly for our boys. When we are stressed, they know. They feel the tension and I want them to feel safe and loved.
Thank you again and again for your prayers and reading my ramblings about the past and my now messed up self. I love you. I thank you.
As I woke, I was scared. Alone but not "alone" as Joe was home. I was in an incredibly negative mood and angry. Angry at everyone and everything. I was to the point of deep despair. Now, those not living with PTSD, your not going to "get it". These things pop out of the blue. I think I had an incredible day yesterday. I felt good and even DROVE WITHOUT WRECKING OR KILLING ANYONE!! YAY! :)
But, SATAN crept in.... he wiggled his nasty self into my head and into my emotions. Causing FEAR, ANXIETY, DEPRESSION AND ANGER.
I took Joe to work and I went and spent some of our last money (YEP, I DID!) ON A WONDERFUL, YUMMY, FANTASTIC Rodeo burger, fries and zesty sauce from Burger King. I ate it and I raged with anger towards my husband and the situation (explanation coming) I was angry. I was HURT.
I came home and cried. THIS, THAT is not me! I want to be different! I want to live a life where I can say, Truth is truth and feel pride in what I do, say and feel.
I opened my Bible app. and read
"If you return to the Almighty, you will be restored- so clean up your life" (Job 22:23 (NLT))
*sigh.*
So, I prayed. Lord, help me clean up my life. I am a sinner, who needs a savior and a slave to the human race. Lord, have your way IN me. Please, dear Lord, Help me to be who you have created me to be.
(Back story)
Joe is in sales and as we say, "Killed" it two months ago. Which in turn means we made some nice money last month. We spent A LOT. You know Christmas, friends, eating out...
Last month as we say in the car business Joe "wiped out". Barely covered his draw (He gets a certain amount guaranteed twice a month but, out of it comes taxes, health insurance ect (which is almost his whole check) plus he gets a "commission" on what he sales on a different day) and we end up with hardly any money on the regular pay days. So on his "Commission" day we always use that to, pay bills, buy food ect.
Well, because we went over (WAY OVER) our said budget last month from his fantastic pay, we are now at the month that is BAD.(side note, this happens all the time in sales to everyone who works in the business. But, smart people save for the BAD months) SO, We made no commission for this month. So, We are suffering. (Now, don't feel sorry for us, we did this to ourselves!!) I just surrendered ALL the financial stuff to Joe because I can't be the one to call and say "Sorry, can't pay" or tell the kids we are moving (AGAIN) or carry that burden. When we got married at 20 and 17 we were young and stupid and Joe spent EVERY dime. (Sorry babe! I LOVE you! just being honest!) and I took over the role of making sure we paid bills, fed kids and had a place to stay. I covered for him every time something went wrong. I "thought" was MY job. But, these past few months I've realized. It's not. I'm not in charge. This job, I believe, the head of the house should carry. And, this has been given, shoved, forced, back to him. He is old enough, WISE enough and STRONG enough (emotionally) to do this. (I LOVE YOU BABE!! YOU'VE GOT THIS!!!)
I'm not going to lie, I am traumatized by all the job changes, the moving and the stress of the unknown. I can't even imagine what the kids feel.
So, this month will be a month of "Are we going to be able to pay the bills? or are we moving... again?"
And that is where my loving, wonderful, super awesome husband comes in. He tells me, remember your LIFE verse!! DO NOT WORRY! Sarah, you asked me to do this. I need you to be ok. Don't worry.
I surrender.....
I may worry. I do worry. I fear the unknown. But, more than just my husband carrying this, I know GOD is carrying it. HE LOVES ME! HE LOVES YOU! HE LOVES MY FAMILY!
Please pray for us as we work on learning and relearning life lessons. Pray as Joe Works and strives to LEAD us. Pray as I worry, not to worry. Pray mainly for our boys. When we are stressed, they know. They feel the tension and I want them to feel safe and loved.
Thank you again and again for your prayers and reading my ramblings about the past and my now messed up self. I love you. I thank you.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
side affects
I'm terrified.
I am on new medication and it's working! But, the 2nd week includes an increase. Which means I have to readjust to the side affect. The only one I have has been... Being sleepy.
While many of you would love that, and enjoy falling asleep and all, I am terrified. I can't drive because I fear I'll crash and kill people. I also try and wait and not take it if it's close to the boys being home since, I want to be aware of my boys and spend quality time with them.
I also have a fear of FALLING asleep. I don't know why. But, I HATE the feeling of, oh, wait, there it is! loosing control. If I'm asleep I cant control my dreams or what happens around me. I will do anything to make myself stay awake. Especially if I am alone. I will literally do anything to make myself stay awake. When Joe gets home (Poor guy has had to do everything driving wise! :( I feel AWEFUL about this. ) I finally feel "safe" and can sometimes go lay down and sleep. Other times I have to wait for him to actually be IN the bed next to me to calm down enough to close my eyes.
I know part of this is due to what happened in my past. I know that some is because I had so many surgeries and of course they use their magic to make you sleep. (I hate that!!)
I'm trying to come to the place where I TRUST God enough to let this go. But, y'all, it's hard. I guess I'm lacking the faith to let my fear GO.
This is where I am today and I'm praying that the medication has been in me long enough that I can actually drive tomorrow.
Thank you again for your prayers. I appreciate you. I appreciate your prayers. I'm glad God has brought you here to support me through this journey.
I am on new medication and it's working! But, the 2nd week includes an increase. Which means I have to readjust to the side affect. The only one I have has been... Being sleepy.
While many of you would love that, and enjoy falling asleep and all, I am terrified. I can't drive because I fear I'll crash and kill people. I also try and wait and not take it if it's close to the boys being home since, I want to be aware of my boys and spend quality time with them.
I also have a fear of FALLING asleep. I don't know why. But, I HATE the feeling of, oh, wait, there it is! loosing control. If I'm asleep I cant control my dreams or what happens around me. I will do anything to make myself stay awake. Especially if I am alone. I will literally do anything to make myself stay awake. When Joe gets home (Poor guy has had to do everything driving wise! :( I feel AWEFUL about this. ) I finally feel "safe" and can sometimes go lay down and sleep. Other times I have to wait for him to actually be IN the bed next to me to calm down enough to close my eyes.
I know part of this is due to what happened in my past. I know that some is because I had so many surgeries and of course they use their magic to make you sleep. (I hate that!!)
I'm trying to come to the place where I TRUST God enough to let this go. But, y'all, it's hard. I guess I'm lacking the faith to let my fear GO.
This is where I am today and I'm praying that the medication has been in me long enough that I can actually drive tomorrow.
Thank you again for your prayers. I appreciate you. I appreciate your prayers. I'm glad God has brought you here to support me through this journey.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
OUCH...
First of all, I did not want to go to church Sunday. I was trying to get out of it anyway possible. But, Joe made me go to the 5pm service.
Now, if you have not come to the point in your life that you realize WE ALL can not do this alone, your not going to understand what I'm about to say. You might read it and think you know where I'm coming from but, your going to have questions. And that is ok! Ask!
Sunday as we got to church, there were hardly any people there. Let me add, we usually attend the 11:30 service and it is so packed people sit in the lobby just to hear God's word spoken through our pastor.
So, it was weird going to service and it being, not empty but, not packed to the brim. We sat and the music started. I was still in a place where I could sing the lyrics but, not fully let God know I was there and needed Him. So, a song came on. Surrender. (I found a link! http://youtu.be/ZFORjUcHkKU ) I'm not sure who sings it or if that's the title but, I couldn't help but, surrender. I had tears failing, I could barely stand and I realized I AM DOING THIS ALONE. I stood and let Jesus's love wash over me as I prayed and surrendered. I struggle with this DAILY.
The message was about control. OH NO! No, no, no, no... Come on God! You KNOW this is my BIGGEST ISSUE. I want control. Not over everything. But, please let me control the little things!
a few points (Ok, all of them!) hit me.
1. YOU CAN NOT PLAY IT SAFE AND PLEASE GOD.
Ok, ok... I know I have issues but, I'm not "playing it safe" am I?
One thing the preacher said as a side note "FAILING MAYBE THE 1ST STEP TO FINDING GOD" I fail daily. Hourly. moment by moment I try and do what I think it best. Did you count how many "I's" are in there?? fail.
Sometimes I NEED to know an outcome. I NEED to know the future will be ok. and that's when he came to point 2.
2. AS LONG AS YOU HAVE A GARUNTEE, You don't have faith.
Ok, So, I REALLY have to give up ALL control?
"Faith is the confidence that we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see" Hebrews 11:1
He mentioned during this time that "You can have FAITH or CONTROL. But, not both.
(BUT, I WANT BOTH!!!)
The last point is this
3. TO STEP TOWARD YOUR DESTINY , YOU HAVE TO STEP AWAY FROM SECURITY.
"By FAITH Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, OBEYED and WENT, even though HE DID NOT KNOW WHERE HE WAS GOING" Hebrews 11:8
OUCH. Ouch. OuCh!!!
So, Sunday night I gave over my biggest stresses, my fear and my anger, my LIFE back over to Jesus. Then when we got home, after dinner, confessed (OUCH) that I am scared. I am angry and I am done to Joe. Not with him. But, I cannot live in fear of him loosing his job, of being evicted, loosing electricity ect. I gave him all the responsibility. (OUCH) I said I would not handle the bills (My internal sirens BLARING as his past with money has been an issue) I told him, He is the man of this house and He needs to control everything. (OUCH) For 12 years I have fought to maintain control. Of everything. I am his wife. I am his helper. I am a mom. But, He is who GOD called to leave his parents, cleave to his wife and provide. I should not be the one who is controlling this family. Joe has since accepted this and as far as I know, is handling things. (I AM STRUGGLING TO LET GO AND NOT ASK HIM QUESTIONS LIKE "IS THIS PAID, DID YOU REMEMBER THIS?" But, I have since found a new peace. I know Joe will care for me. He will care for the boys and he wont let us die, starve or be without.
As you know, Joe and I ate something bad Sunday night. Not like bad for you calorie wise but, out of date. We were both struck with food poisoning all night Sunday and all day yesterday.
Today We are both feeling better but, my anxiety is KILLING me because I want CONTROL. So, I turn to Jesus. Pray, pray, pray.
On a side not, the new medicine I'm on, has been working (YAY) but called for an increase of 40mg on week two. I hit week two today. And I have NO ENERGY. I know this is a side affect and will go away in a few days but, please pray I can stay awake at least long enough to see my kids when they get home at 3.
I thank you ALL for following me. But, mostly for your prayers. I know when you are praying I can feel the hand of God comforting me. Thank you!!!
Now, if you have not come to the point in your life that you realize WE ALL can not do this alone, your not going to understand what I'm about to say. You might read it and think you know where I'm coming from but, your going to have questions. And that is ok! Ask!
Sunday as we got to church, there were hardly any people there. Let me add, we usually attend the 11:30 service and it is so packed people sit in the lobby just to hear God's word spoken through our pastor.
So, it was weird going to service and it being, not empty but, not packed to the brim. We sat and the music started. I was still in a place where I could sing the lyrics but, not fully let God know I was there and needed Him. So, a song came on. Surrender. (I found a link! http://youtu.be/ZFORjUcHkKU ) I'm not sure who sings it or if that's the title but, I couldn't help but, surrender. I had tears failing, I could barely stand and I realized I AM DOING THIS ALONE. I stood and let Jesus's love wash over me as I prayed and surrendered. I struggle with this DAILY.
The message was about control. OH NO! No, no, no, no... Come on God! You KNOW this is my BIGGEST ISSUE. I want control. Not over everything. But, please let me control the little things!
a few points (Ok, all of them!) hit me.
1. YOU CAN NOT PLAY IT SAFE AND PLEASE GOD.
Ok, ok... I know I have issues but, I'm not "playing it safe" am I?
One thing the preacher said as a side note "FAILING MAYBE THE 1ST STEP TO FINDING GOD" I fail daily. Hourly. moment by moment I try and do what I think it best. Did you count how many "I's" are in there?? fail.
Sometimes I NEED to know an outcome. I NEED to know the future will be ok. and that's when he came to point 2.
2. AS LONG AS YOU HAVE A GARUNTEE, You don't have faith.
Ok, So, I REALLY have to give up ALL control?
"Faith is the confidence that we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see" Hebrews 11:1
He mentioned during this time that "You can have FAITH or CONTROL. But, not both.
(BUT, I WANT BOTH!!!)
The last point is this
3. TO STEP TOWARD YOUR DESTINY , YOU HAVE TO STEP AWAY FROM SECURITY.
"By FAITH Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, OBEYED and WENT, even though HE DID NOT KNOW WHERE HE WAS GOING" Hebrews 11:8
OUCH. Ouch. OuCh!!!
So, Sunday night I gave over my biggest stresses, my fear and my anger, my LIFE back over to Jesus. Then when we got home, after dinner, confessed (OUCH) that I am scared. I am angry and I am done to Joe. Not with him. But, I cannot live in fear of him loosing his job, of being evicted, loosing electricity ect. I gave him all the responsibility. (OUCH) I said I would not handle the bills (My internal sirens BLARING as his past with money has been an issue) I told him, He is the man of this house and He needs to control everything. (OUCH) For 12 years I have fought to maintain control. Of everything. I am his wife. I am his helper. I am a mom. But, He is who GOD called to leave his parents, cleave to his wife and provide. I should not be the one who is controlling this family. Joe has since accepted this and as far as I know, is handling things. (I AM STRUGGLING TO LET GO AND NOT ASK HIM QUESTIONS LIKE "IS THIS PAID, DID YOU REMEMBER THIS?" But, I have since found a new peace. I know Joe will care for me. He will care for the boys and he wont let us die, starve or be without.
As you know, Joe and I ate something bad Sunday night. Not like bad for you calorie wise but, out of date. We were both struck with food poisoning all night Sunday and all day yesterday.
Today We are both feeling better but, my anxiety is KILLING me because I want CONTROL. So, I turn to Jesus. Pray, pray, pray.
On a side not, the new medicine I'm on, has been working (YAY) but called for an increase of 40mg on week two. I hit week two today. And I have NO ENERGY. I know this is a side affect and will go away in a few days but, please pray I can stay awake at least long enough to see my kids when they get home at 3.
I thank you ALL for following me. But, mostly for your prayers. I know when you are praying I can feel the hand of God comforting me. Thank you!!!
Friday, January 2, 2015
Cabin fever?
I'm not too sure what's going on. My new medicine has seemed to be helping. I'm out of the angry and really depressive phase but, now I feel "stuck". The weather has been bad and the kids are on winter break. Means, there has been a lot of technology usage here and not a lot of physical activity. I'm ready to get out of the house!!! Another reason I know this medicine is working! I would normally love being home doing nothing but, we are going a little nuts.
I'm also a little overwhelmed in the need to be making things. I crotchet and make things and sometimes sell. But, I have such a long list and I have no desire to pick up the yarn. None. But, I did start my soon to come nieces blanket and it is super cute. I think the lack of motivation is just a need to go and get physical activity in order to focus. Again, a sign my new medicine is working! YAY!
I had a rough night last night between dreams and a kitty who wanted to play. But, today the kids were nice and let me get a nap. :)
Sorry this post is kind of boring but, I guess that means all is well. :p
Maybe I can get out of here tomorrow!
I'm also a little overwhelmed in the need to be making things. I crotchet and make things and sometimes sell. But, I have such a long list and I have no desire to pick up the yarn. None. But, I did start my soon to come nieces blanket and it is super cute. I think the lack of motivation is just a need to go and get physical activity in order to focus. Again, a sign my new medicine is working! YAY!
I had a rough night last night between dreams and a kitty who wanted to play. But, today the kids were nice and let me get a nap. :)
Sorry this post is kind of boring but, I guess that means all is well. :p
Maybe I can get out of here tomorrow!
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