To speak or not to speak

I have been hospitalized twice in September since my bipolar medication was not right.
My therapist said I should journal. And I do. But, I'm tired. physically, mentally and every other way. I love blogging but I'm not sure I should. But then again I feel as if I should since there aren't many people who blog about the reality of bipolar. So, Here is how I feel today
Disgusted. Sad. Angry. Hurt. Selfish.
I literally have two or three friends I can trust.That truly understand  me. And even then I wonder if the get what I'm trying to say.
Every day is different.
Ill start with yesterday. I was an emotional wreck. I wanted Joe Home (it was his day off) but instead of him being around me he was going, doing things and it killed me. I have to add that I wasn't being very nice. For some reason I was just angry all day. I wanted him to just be with me. Hold me. But, I understand why he wanted to leave as much as he could,
once the kids got home he turned his attention to them (which is GREAT) but I feel so selfish that he chooses them over me. Stupid huh? my emotions are crazy. I want to spend time with my kids and I do. But i just don't know how to spend quality time with them, movies are not quality time and neither is any other thing I come up with.
I feel awful.
I like I'm loosing this battle called life. Jesus has carried me. I don't know how much I cant take.
People this bipolar/ anxiety/ PTSD is so emotionally draining. it consumes my life. It brings me to deep dark places that no one understands.
I want to be a sister, friend, mom, wife.
But I'm tied down.
I am not ok. you ask I say "I'm doing ok. And inside I'm dying.
Lately I've been on medication and it made me loopy and I said things I could never take back. It wasn't on purpose. But I probably lost friends over it. Family even,
This disease eats at my soul. It consumes me every day. I makes me feel inadequate to do anything right.. I try, I do. But, no one understand and I am so ready to be with Jesus and make my families life easier, I just hold them back. My poor boys, How I love them. I want them to succeed! I want the best for them. And all they know is change. they don't know the stability that they crave.
I want to  be a light for Jesus, but how can he use ME? I'm such a mess. I need Jesus in this hour in this minute in this second! JESUS! JESUS!!
Please pray for me. the medications I'm on are not working. And I know this. But, I am not willing to leave my family again, My kids are probably traumatized. I would be. I AM.
Please PLEASE pray for us. For me. I can't keep going on.
I'm broken. Seeking Jesus. Seeking friendships. People just dont understand me. Ask me questions! I'll gladly answer. But, Most of all, Pray for my family.