I'm almost positive now this new medication is not working. I am having the worst nightmares, no energy and no appetite.
Christmas eve I was ill (physically) and so didn't join in on the festivities.
Christmas day I was without fever for 24 hours so I was able to join the three other celebrations. The first one went great, I had little anxiety and was able to join in well. The 2nd went pretty good too. On the way there I was worried. Most of the time this location is really difficult for me. But, it went really well. By the time it was over, I was anxiety ridden, emotionally drained and tired. The third place is always a laid back kind of atmosphere. So, we went but, weren't there too long. We came home and my anxiety was crazy. I was panic stricken and overwhelmed. After the kids were in bed, I went and laid down. I woke and something happened between Joe and I. Throughout the rest of the night I had nightmares of killing myself. watching people die. Waking up and not knowing if I was really awake or if I was dreaming. unless you've lived this hell, you wont understand. Things trigger strange reactions. I am now still dealing with the effects of that argument and the nightmares. And I have no patients, anxiety and no desire to do anything but cry. My boys are on winter break so, I cant just sit and cry. So, I sit and will myself not to do anything stupid while they play with new toys and fight over them too ;) .
I hate you PTSD, you have stolen my joy, my love, my parenting, my LIFE. But, I am fighting back!!!!!!!! and not alone! JESUS, JESUS!! Come and take my demons save me from this...
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