*This is LONG. This is TRUE. This may need to not be read without parental discretion*
Ok, here comes the real me. I'm not doing this for attention I'm not doing this for you to feel bad for me. I write because it helps me clear my head as I look for normal. For me I'm living in a dark place. I question if this is due to just anatomy? or if I'm just a bad person? or maybe I haven't found Christ? I have prayed over and over for forgiveness and I ask Jesus to be my Lord and savior yet, I feel like I'm still lost. Am I the only one who prayers for salvation and feels I'm not excepted?
Am I doing it all wrong?
Right now in this moment, I feel angry. I feel like a worthless mom because I cant (AND I'M TRYING!) love the kids I have. I yurn'd for so long for more babies but, maybe God knew I'd be a bad mom and that's why I had to have the hysterectomy? I couldn't be the loving mom more children need much less my own. I am scared. I worry constantly. I love my husband but in all honesty I don't know why he is still here. Why does he love ME? why hasn't he found a new, better mom for his kids? A better lover and a sane person to love? This new medication has taken away my joy, hope, fight, love , I AM NOT SARAH. I AM WHO THE DEVIL IS TRYING TO MAKE ME BELIEVE I AM.
I'm a wife of twelve years, I'm a mom and try my hardest to love and spoil my boys. I am a human being whom deserves Gods forgiveness. I am me. But, right now pumping these drugs into my body trying to "feel" normal is not helping or "normal"
Honestly I have three, THREE people I know I can talk to and tell them I'm not ok and they understand and encourage me.
I don't want to go out. I smoke and Im embarrassed by it. It helps soothe my moments of panic but, I feel like people are disgusted by it and would rather just not have me around. I'm embarrassed to be me. I'm embarrassed for my family.
PART 1
I left my love for my husband years ago when he had an addiction to porn. I "loved" him but, couldn't love the way God wanted me to. and even before that, I walked away from God and my parents. Going behind their backs. lying. And not caring. Early in my marriage I have hardly any memories of the early days. OR of son #1's first years. My husband was young and moved job to job, we lived so many different places I cant even begin to explain how many. I'm usually lucky to be in one place a year. I began to resent my husband and decided in 2008 to leave him. my kids and I actually lived with his family while he slept in a camper. I started school to be a medical assistant. I found out in 2008 I had a "suspicious" spot on my uterus. Joe and I started marriage counseling and moved back together. He again lost his job in 2009 around the time I was scheduled to have my first "pre hysterectomy" surgery. I was still not in love with my husband I resented him. We moved in with my parents. I then had my hysterectomy. and MANY other surgeries due to trying to save an ovary. During this time I started looking for love. From anyone. I didn't care who. we moved into what I call the pearl house. I was having a hard time recovering. I wasn't mentally ok and I was trying to homeschool my oldest son. Which meant, he played Xbox all day while I did absolutely as little as possible even with his younger brother. During this time, my husband and I were in an open relationship with another couple. (I know this is wrong but, I didn't care I just wanted "love") so, we were scheduled to go do stuff with said couple while they were in town. Before they came I had to have my appendix taken out. We were house sitting and the last thing I remember was talking to the other male in the situation about plans during their visit and I had taken a sleep medication. 15 minutes later I had a seizure. I hit my head. I remember being in the ER. I remember asking for the other male. I remember the doctor telling my husband to let me read my old journals because they could "trigger" memories. The doctor didn't know that most of what I journal was hard times. Times I was angry and not any happy moments. After said couple left and after I read these journals, I looked at Joe and asked for a divorce. I didn't like him, didn't love him didn't care who he or his kids were. He told me to call his mom. I did. I was admitted to the psychiatric unit at Bethany. I was there a long time. During that time Male "a" and female "B" became really close friends with me and convinced me how awful my past was and I should leave with them. We exchanged numbers and such. I believe it was two weeks later I left the hospital with Joe. With no plans to stay with him. I left a few days later with some Hispanic people and female "b". The house they took me to had no heat (Remember that blizzard that came through in 2009?) the place was disgusting. Joe asked my to sign divorce papers and to give him custody. I did it. no problem. I had a tiny little laptop that I took when I left Joe. I would go and find free wifi and get on fb (It would automatically sign me in I didn't remember passwords ect) my aunt got ahold of me and begged to come and get me. I let her. While I was with her I was still struggling. memories were in and out. But, I was still in contact with "the crazy house clan" (haha) and one of them talked me into buying him a ticket to come to see me (two hours away). he stayed for a week. My aunt caught us sleeping in the same bed and got mad (I'm so sorry still... so guilty) and lets call him by his name because he deserves to be known. Eric got mad. Talked me into hitch hiking from North Oklahoma to OKC. I am BEYOUND BLESSED that the man who pulled over and gave me a ride just talked about Canadian geese the whole way. I'm lucky I didn't get killed. Anyway, that was a Sunday. Monday morning Eric took me to his "friends" house and this huge man looked at me and said "She's in" I asked Eric what was going on and he said "I was in the gang and if I left I would get shot" So, now I am being held against my will. During this time it is kind of a blur. I know I was dragged everywhere. Saw people have their knees shot off for owing drug money. Saw people do things to other people I have nightmares over. I was forced to drink a strong alcohol in a race against a she-man and whoever lost had to fight the other she-man. I drank so many shots so fast I won but I also got really sick. That night a man came into the room I was in and rapped me. Over and over. Eric came in saw what was up and laughed. laughed. I can't even explain to you that place. mice everywhere. All we had to eat was rotten yogurt and bad bread. There was Weed, cocaine, and other drugs everywhere. I never did the drugs. But, I started smoking cigarettes. Ok, I'm forgetting to mention there were KIDS in this place. kids seeing and living like this. I had a cell phone (Joe got me one before I left northern Oklahoma) and I started to text him. I put his name in as a females and as my memories started coming back, I started to tell him what was going on. I needed help but, I couldn't tell Joe where I was our he would have come and probably been hurt. Eric got really messed up on a Sunday night. His cousin came to check on him and when she did she looked at me and said I know whats going on. While he is messed up GO. NOW. So, I put some stuff in a bag and left. He found me. hit me. Yelled. Then got into a fight with another man. Got his gun and left. and when he did, I left too. I ran. Hide behind a car and wall and called Joe. He didn't answer. I called his mom (He was staying with her) and she got him. I begged him to get me. to help. But, it was too dangerous. So, his mom called the cops who came in silently and as I walked down the road the way I was instructed to, I could hear gun shots. I saw the cop. He asked if I needed help. I said yes! and I would tell him everything if he would let me in the car. He took my back to the police station. I told him everything I could. Then I was released to my parents. I was not me. I was sick. mentally and physically. I stayed with my parents about a month. I healed physically but, I obviously still have major trauma from this. Joe and I went to weekly counseling but didn't live together. We were advised to leave the state due to the threats I had gotten. And so started our journey to NM.
To be continued...
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