My heart...

I have a past. Everyone knows. I'm not shy about hiding, Anything! This is my worst and best attribute. I will tell you anything you want to know.
 Lately I have been suffering with feelings of great remorse and great shame. Loss. Grief.
 I hate my body. I hate that I had cancer. I HATE that I can no longer carry, hold, nurse, care and cherish a new baby.
I feel responsible.
 I know we as a family have the worst luck ever. (I guess here in America at least) We suffer from bills, debt and other issues and because of this I claim it as my own reasoning for the cancer. For the reason God doesn't want me to have any more babies.
 I have not been the best mom. I would never claim to be better at it then anyone. Never. But, I still mourn. Maybe God knew I had to have the cancer because He also knew that I am not supposed to be a mom? I tell myself this lie. ALL the time.
 Now, YOU may think I'm awful and kids would deserve better. But, I have love. I have a growing relationship with Christ. I am on top of my mental instabilities.
 Yesterday, I was getting my nails done and as the guy who was talking to me while working explained, The kids where he grew up (S.E. Asia) he was one of two kids. His parents were dictated and NOT allowed the OPTION of more. Whether healthy, rich, poor. No more then TWO children. In his family it was just him and his sister. But, He knew of families who abandoned their babies. The #3 or more. Because they weren't allowed. Did you just READ that!? we have people in this country selling their kids because they need the money, or because they of other situations (which is another story of it's own). But, the people in other countries HAVE no option! The ONE person he knew who had more then two children, who was also wealthy, sold everything he could to keep HIS own children.
Oh how my heart would LOVE to be the one to take the unwanted, abandoned babies. Take all of them and LOVE them. Just to rock them and show them THEY are worthy of LOVE.
 God may not have plans for us to have more kids. Although, honestly for the first time since I woke up from surgery which made me sterile, I prayed. I prayed for a baby. I prayed that God would BLESS our family and teach us of all the blessings He can provide.
 My hope is in the Hands of the Lord, Who created all living things GREAT and small!