Shake it off

A PTSD day.
As I woke, I was scared. Alone but not "alone" as Joe was home. I was in an incredibly negative mood and angry. Angry at everyone and everything. I was to the point of deep despair. Now, those not living with PTSD, your not going to "get it". These things pop out of the blue. I think I had an incredible day yesterday. I felt good and even DROVE WITHOUT WRECKING OR KILLING ANYONE!! YAY! :)
But, SATAN crept in.... he wiggled his nasty self into my head and into my emotions. Causing FEAR, ANXIETY, DEPRESSION AND ANGER.
I took Joe to work and I went and spent some of our last money (YEP, I DID!) ON A WONDERFUL, YUMMY, FANTASTIC Rodeo burger, fries and zesty sauce from Burger King. I ate it and I raged with anger towards my husband and the situation (explanation coming) I was angry. I was HURT.
I came home and cried. THIS, THAT is not me! I want to be different! I want to live a life where I can say, Truth is truth and feel pride in what I do, say and feel.
I opened my Bible app. and read
 "If you return to the Almighty, you will be restored- so clean up your life" (Job 22:23 (NLT))
*sigh.*
So, I prayed. Lord, help me clean up my life. I am a sinner, who needs a savior and a slave to the human race. Lord, have your way IN me. Please, dear Lord, Help me to be who you have created me to be.
(Back story)
Joe is in sales and as we say, "Killed" it two months ago. Which in turn means we made some nice money last month. We spent A LOT. You know Christmas, friends, eating out...
Last month as we say in the car business Joe "wiped out". Barely covered his draw (He gets a certain amount guaranteed twice a month but, out of it comes taxes, health insurance ect (which is almost his whole check) plus he gets a "commission" on what he sales on a different day) and we end up with hardly any money on the regular pay days. So on his "Commission" day we always use that to, pay bills, buy food ect.
Well, because we went over (WAY OVER) our said budget last month from his fantastic pay, we are now at the month that is BAD.(side note, this happens all the time in sales to everyone who works in the business. But, smart people save for the BAD months) SO, We made no commission for this month. So, We are suffering. (Now, don't feel sorry for us, we did this to ourselves!!) I just surrendered ALL the financial stuff to Joe because I can't be the one to call and say "Sorry, can't pay" or tell the kids we are moving (AGAIN) or carry that burden. When we got married at 20 and 17 we were young and stupid and Joe spent EVERY dime. (Sorry babe! I LOVE you! just being honest!) and I took over the role of making sure we paid bills, fed kids and had a place to stay. I covered for him every time something went wrong. I "thought" was MY job. But, these past few months I've realized. It's not. I'm not in charge. This job, I believe, the head of the house should carry. And, this has been given, shoved, forced, back to him. He is old enough, WISE enough and STRONG enough (emotionally) to do this. (I LOVE YOU BABE!! YOU'VE GOT THIS!!!)
I'm not going to lie, I am traumatized by all the job changes, the moving and the stress of the unknown. I can't even imagine what the kids feel.
So, this month will be a month of "Are we going to be able to pay the bills? or are we moving... again?"
And that is where my loving, wonderful, super awesome husband comes in. He tells me, remember your LIFE verse!! DO NOT WORRY! Sarah, you asked me to do this. I need you to be ok. Don't worry.
I surrender.....
I may worry. I do worry. I fear the unknown. But, more than just my husband carrying this, I know GOD is carrying it. HE LOVES ME! HE LOVES YOU! HE LOVES MY FAMILY!
Please pray for us as we work on learning and relearning life lessons. Pray as Joe Works and strives to LEAD us. Pray as I worry, not to worry. Pray mainly for our boys. When we are stressed, they know. They feel the tension and I want them to feel safe and loved.
Thank you again and again for your prayers and reading my ramblings about the past and my now messed up self. I love you. I thank you.