OUCH...

First of all, I did not want to go to church Sunday. I was trying to get out of it anyway possible. But, Joe made me go to the 5pm service.
Now, if you have not come to the point in your life that you realize WE ALL can not do this alone, your not going to understand what I'm about to say. You might read it and think you know where I'm coming from but, your going to have questions. And that is ok! Ask!
Sunday as we got to church, there were hardly any people there. Let me add, we usually attend the 11:30 service and it is so packed people sit in the lobby just to hear God's word spoken through our pastor.
So, it was weird going to service and it being, not empty but, not packed to the brim. We sat and the music started. I was still in a place where I could sing the lyrics but, not fully let God know I was there and needed Him. So, a song came on. Surrender. (I found a link!  http://youtu.be/ZFORjUcHkKU ) I'm not sure who sings it or if that's the title but, I couldn't help but, surrender. I had tears failing, I could barely stand and I  realized I AM DOING THIS ALONE. I stood and let Jesus's love wash over me as I prayed and surrendered. I struggle with this DAILY.
The message was about control. OH NO! No, no, no, no... Come on God! You KNOW this is my BIGGEST ISSUE. I want control. Not over everything. But, please let me control the little things!
a few points (Ok, all of them!) hit me.
1. YOU CAN NOT PLAY IT SAFE AND PLEASE GOD.
Ok, ok... I know I have issues but, I'm not "playing it safe" am I?
One thing the preacher said as a side note "FAILING MAYBE THE 1ST STEP TO FINDING GOD" I fail daily. Hourly. moment by moment I try and do what I think it best. Did you count how many "I's" are in there?? fail.
Sometimes I NEED to know an outcome. I NEED to know the future will be ok. and that's when he came to point 2.
2. AS LONG AS YOU HAVE A GARUNTEE, You don't have faith.
Ok, So, I REALLY have to give up ALL control?
"Faith is the confidence that we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see" Hebrews 11:1
He mentioned during this time that "You can have FAITH or CONTROL. But, not both.
(BUT, I WANT BOTH!!!)
The last point is this
3. TO STEP TOWARD YOUR DESTINY , YOU HAVE TO STEP AWAY FROM SECURITY.
"By FAITH Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, OBEYED and WENT, even though HE DID NOT KNOW WHERE HE WAS GOING"  Hebrews 11:8

OUCH. Ouch. OuCh!!!
So, Sunday night I gave over my biggest stresses, my fear and my anger, my LIFE back over to Jesus. Then when we got home, after dinner, confessed (OUCH) that I am scared. I am angry and I am done to Joe. Not with him. But, I cannot live in fear of him loosing his job, of being evicted, loosing electricity ect. I gave him all the responsibility. (OUCH) I said I would not handle the bills (My internal sirens BLARING as his past with money has been an issue) I told him, He is the man of this house and He needs to control everything. (OUCH) For 12 years I have fought to maintain control. Of everything. I am his wife. I am his helper. I am a mom. But, He is who GOD called to leave his parents, cleave to his wife and provide. I should not be the one who is controlling this family.  Joe has since accepted this and as far as I know, is handling things. (I AM STRUGGLING TO LET GO AND NOT ASK HIM QUESTIONS LIKE "IS THIS PAID, DID YOU REMEMBER THIS?" But, I have since found a new peace. I know Joe will care for me. He will care for the boys and he wont let us die, starve or be without.

As you know, Joe and I ate something bad Sunday night. Not like bad for you calorie wise but, out of date. We were both struck with food poisoning all night Sunday and all day yesterday.
Today We are both feeling better but, my anxiety is KILLING me because I want CONTROL. So, I turn to Jesus. Pray, pray, pray.
On a side not, the new medicine I'm on, has been working (YAY) but called for an increase of 40mg on week two. I hit week two today. And I have NO ENERGY. I know this is a side affect and will go away in a few days but, please pray I can stay awake at least long enough to see my kids when they get home at 3.

I thank you ALL for following me. But, mostly for your prayers. I know when you are praying I can feel the hand of God comforting me. Thank you!!!