Living day to day/!

I am just going to step out and say this has been the worst and BEST month of my life.
First the bad news.
I became manic severely last month.
It scares the crap out of me! I get so hipped up and CLEAN or do anything to help my mind slow down. 
The way my Bipolar/PTSD/Anxiety run, are not the same as someone who has been to war or seen a horrific scene. 
A couple months ago we were doing great, I was in my medication and everything seemed perfect. Then we had a FLEA infestation (along with our neighbors!) so, we talked to Ron and Sherri (Joe's step dad and mom.) and we are paying rent and staying here until we can get some bills paid off. It hasn't been too bad. "yet" ha ha, it is always hard living with family. 
The other bad thing that happened this month is that after the flea infestation, I started to become Manic. Like seriously I could not sleep!!  for almost a week. I told Joe since we couldn't afford the 430 dollar payment for the antidepressant, that I needed to be put inpatient. So, I voluntarily admitted myself to the Red Rock crisis center. I was there almost a week but, I should have stayed longer. My body was ready to go but, I was not on the right medications! 
Now, I sleep a couple hours a night.I went in today and saw my psychologist and he was not my normal doctor. He was RUDE and Pushy and just wanted to get to the next case. Im not going to see him ever again. (he was new there but still rude!!) 
the medication I am on has me getting hallucination, hear voices, stuttering (Like my brain is going 100mph and I can get the words out. I also cant sleep.I am so manic. You have no idea how your body can betray you and everything falls apart.
SO, 
They BEST new is on August 27th 2015 I gave my life to Jesus. I thought I WAS saved but realized that I gave God only PART of me. Not all of me. So, I prayed and gave Him ALL of me!! 
Praise the name of Jesus!!!
Please pray for the boys as they transition into their new school. so far we are on a great track!!!!
pray for Joe as he has to put up with me and it is hard for me to let him touch me. That has to do with past issues also. 
Thanks for reading and the prayers!!!!

Life happens

So, I cant remember if I told you last time but, we had to move due to a severe flea infestation.
We are now living at my in laws (Haskins).
Joe is currently working in Purcell. That's 45 minutes one way. :/ But he is doing well.
We got the kids enrolled in school here where we are now. I HATED moving them from their last school but, life happens. I feel like it is so unfair to move sooo much. :(
As for me, I need prayers. I don't even know if anyone reads these blogs anymore but, it is a great way to let my mind decompress. :) 
First off the bad. I'm really manic right now. I haven't slept for more than a couple hours a day for weeks. Today is the first time I feel as if I'm coming down from my manic state. Which is great. But, scary. This usually means a strong depression to come. I have never had a manic mode like this. Ever. Its so overwhelming and most people don't understand. On the plus side, the house is spotless. And the garden is looking healthy. I just can not concentrate on one thing for more than a couple minutes. I use my smoking as a coping skill. I know that is awful. But it calms my brain for at least a moment.
I went on Monday to HOPE. It's a place for low income families who need help with mental illness. I was there just doing the in processing for 7 HOURS. But, I'm grateful they are there to help. I'll have my first psychiatrist appointment on the 13th. Hopefully after that I can get back on the right medications. I also found out today that the boys and I both qualify for state health. Which is great because we need it but, I feel bad for having to use it at all. I guess I just don't want the government all up in my business. LOL.
So, Life has been going in a fast "euphoric" way for me. I love feeling happy but, I know that this will end. :( I need prayers that I don't fall hard. Prayers that I can get my "old" antidepressant filled to last me until I get me regular medication. 
Also, I need prayer for peace. I am having severe anxiety over the summer ending and the boys being at school all day. I can't get a job because of my issues (bipolar, PTSD, anxiety) because some days I just cant function. But, there is an animal shelter down the street and I may try and volunteer just to get out of the house and not trap myself.
So, I guess that sums up our lives right now.
Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for reading :) 

HOME?

Im tired. Physically, mentally, spiritually. I know God has a plan and I pray and seek. I must be missing something.
Living in the "uknown" of where our HOUSE will be is suffocating. But, knowing God has a plan for our HOME our family and or every need is such a huge part of how I live day by day.
Sometimes it is too overwhelming and I want to run away. Leave the past and begin again. But, God wants me to trust, believe and have faith that His plan is better and greater then I can ever imagine.
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust thee! (or do I?) have you ever thought about how God must feel when he sees His children, His precious children, suffering, lying or just giving up and walking away.
I want to walk with pride and people to see and KNOW why my life is different. Because of Jesus!!
I do not condone gay marriage, Gay relationships and I dont condone racism for people who are red, yellow, black or white or anything inbetween.
I trust God knows why He states in The Holy Bible, that a marriage is between a man and women and why He said love thy neighbor as thy self.
I dont believe that everything happens for a reason or that we were born without a choice. We have two choices in life. Two.
One, to believe in Jesus Christ, ask His forgiveness for our sins and accept His forgiveness as a FREE GIFT TO ALL MAN KIND. Or accept the lies and fake pleasure of what the devil has to offer. Its fun. Its exciting. But, he is here to deceive and condem to hell those who follow Him.

I choose JESUS. I choose to live a ratical life on fire for my Savior. The one who heals, restores and brings LIFE to those who ask.
Im tired of being a Christian. Im now proclaiming I am not a Christian. I am a Jesus lover, Jesus follower and I will persue HIM until I am HOME. Heaven is my HOME.

Call me whatever you want. No matter what you choose or believe, I choose to love YOU. Because God called me to do so. But, this does not mean I have to love your lifestyle. It doesn't mean I have to choose to walk on egg shells in fear of what may happen when I say I will not stand for gay marriages or rights. Or stand for people who are racist. I will stand up for what I believe and I will lay down my life for Jesus. So hear me friends, you may be mad. You may "unfriend" me, you may never talk to me again but, know this, when our days end (and they will soon) you will have made your choice. I hope to see you in my forever HOME.

Slacker

yes, I am THAT blogger. The one who comes and goes on a whim :P 

Sorry!

So, I'll start with an update. We have had some major, huge, emotional changes in our lives lately.
First, Joe lost his job at Bob Moore. But, Because we had over paid our health insurance (A LOT!!!!)  we have been OK financially. But, during this time we realized we had a MAJOR flea infestation at our apartments. We were not sure if we caused it from a relatives house so, We tried to take care of the issue ourselves. DIDN'T HELP AT ALL! We notified our apartments and they did nothing. We moved out of our apartment on June 4th. And have not been back since. We have had to stay with gracious family during this time. We have notified our apartments 3 times (4 tomorrow). And I have called the health department, district attorney AND the BBB. I've also received some legal counsel. Please pray with us that we can get this solved! It has been a nightmare. In between all this happening, my in laws moved and needed help. Joe's grandmothers house had to be packed and moved. Life has just been a little CRAZY. For now we are currently living at my parents house. Joe is working at Wade Higgins in Purcell. The boys were able to attend VBS last week. And today we took the to see " Inside out" Which I have to admit was a good movie! :) 
Health wise I have been mentally doing OK. I had a kidney stone last week but it has either passed OR is somewhere not bothering me. YA!!
Will you please continue to pray for us as we search for a new place and also try to resolve the situation with our apartments?? Thank you!!!
So, I read this today in my devotional and thought I would share.
Jerusalem says, 
"The Lord has deserted us; 
the Lord has forgotten us."
"Never! can a mother forget her nursing child?
Can she feel no love for the child she has borne?
But even if that were possible.
I would not forget you!!
See, I have written your name on the palms on my hands."
Isaiah 49:14-16 (NLT)
                              

Antibiotics, stress, and confessions

As some of you know, I have SURRENDERED all our finances to Joe (for the last 13 years I have always done all the bills and taken care of everything involving money). Since I surrendered to to Joe and God, I have seen such a huge drop in my stress levels! I don't need to WORRY constantly and it's amazing! BUT, lately, my control issues have been trying to slip back. And so had the stress! I'm dying going through this rough patch. But, I keep reminding myself "God has control and Joe is Gods helper not ME". :)
On another note, I have diverticulitis and I AM HURTING like no ones business even on the NASTY antibiotics and pain medications. I MAY end up being put in the hospital for IV pain medication and IV antibiotics. ICK!!! 
Please pray for Joe and his job as he has been sick and not able to work.
Please pray for me and my sufferings.
And for patients from the kids.
Thanks!!

I was blessed today. It's the kittke things

It all started when Joe got sick. We are currently still working on getting him 100%.
The last few days I've had some slight to moderate pain in my left abdominal area. I thought it was strange but nothing concerning.
Yesterday I work HARD at my parents house where I am currently redoing their kitchen cabinets. I love to remodel especially when it's not with my money! ha!
Yesterday afternoon the pain in my left side started to get more intense. I took ibuprofen and prayed it would go AWAY. But, later in the  evening it was apparent that A) It was NOT going away B) The pain was getting worse and C) I was running a fever (102 to 103!). This is the LAST thing we needed!! Joe reluctantly (poor guy has a rough day and was tired) took me to MWC ER (there was NO wait!) and after blood work, IV's and a whole load of test it was determined that I have diverticulitis (I was told I had this a LONG time ago nut, have NEVER had any issues). It is a disease where you get "pockets" in your colon and then things (mainly nuts and seeds) get stuck in those pockets causing infections and severe pain. So, I was given an IV medication and sent home with two STRONG antibiotics, Anti nausea medication and some medication for the pain. The pain yall, is awful. It is in my lower left abdomen and radiates into my left hip joint. it is also in my lower back.I think I had this "flare up" (as the doctors refer to it as) due to me making and eating a health shake (Chia seeds, blueberries, strawberries and spinach! AMAZING!) my mom taught me to make. So, the said stay AWAY from seed and nuts too. BOO!
So, we got home at like 1am and CRASHED. I went early this morning to get my prescriptions filled (I LOVE our CVS! they are amazing!!) and the wait wasn't too bed (10 minuets) and as they rang me up I realized that these "strong" antibiotics are crazy expensive even WITH health insurance!!  well, I came up short on being able buy said antibiotics and the older lady next to me said "Sweet heart, I am going to pay for your medication! because, I just saved 75% on my Easter candy!!!" (YES, THE STILL HAVE EASTER CANDY! and it's CHEAP!) So, I was super blessed by this "young" lady and am now fully medicated!
Looks like I will be attending church online today while my guys go to Life Church!
Love ya all!!!

It's been awhile :)

I want to start this blog by what God has been laying on my heart and then I will update on the our life. :)

So, lately God has been teaching me and impressing on my heart me children. I LOVE my kids and I love being their parents but, I have had a short temper with them lately. And boy, do I feel guilty. Well, today God has laid this on my heart.
Proverbs  22:6 (NLT)
Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.
I have been the WORST slacker at teaching my children in the way they should go. I used to pray for them nightly and for their future spouses too. ut, lately I have been falling asleep before my nightly prayers. And, I feel utterly guilty for this. I'm sure, just because I forget doesn't mean God has forgotten them. In fact, I know God has a perfect plan for their lives.
Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT)
For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster , to give you a future and a hope."

So, just because I forget my nightly prayers, I know God has a perfect plan for each of my children. Another way I feel I have been slacking is just using my words to encourage each of them. So, today I sat down and wrote them each a note of encouragement. I know some days as a mom (or dad) it is hard to see the good in your child. Today I am choosing to use my words as encouragement and uplifting.

In other news, Joe and I went on a belated anniversary trip. First we stopped  at The Grand Fire lake hotel and Casino. Don't judge, we had a free buffet and free room! haha! nothing like a cheap date! Then on Saturday we drove... and drove and drove until we hit Kansas city Kansas. It is BEAUUTIFUL! We went shopping at a great mall and then heard by word of mouth THE place to stay was the Ameristar hotel and casino (again don't judge! :P ) in Kansas city Missouri. They had the most amazing selection of restaurants inside a building that was connected to the hotel. It looked like an old town! buildings and everything. The dome shaped roof was painted to look like a sky and there was also a train inside the lobby!! so neat! and the food was great too!
The next day we headed back south. We stopped at my Nanny and poppas and saw my Papa! We took them to dinner and then stayed the night. It was a great time. But, by then I was SO ready to head home!
Once we got home Joe started getting really ill. He was running a fever and having severe pain. I was thinking appendix but, after a CT scan they ruled that out. The didn't see anything apparently wrong accept he has a cyst on  his liver. Weird!! The next two days we were back and forth to the ER. They said at on point kidney stone but, by the third time they were totally lost as to what was happening. We are now in the process of waiting to see our family physician and schedule an colonoscopy.

As far as the kids are doing, they are both doing really well. Creed has Really improved in his school since starting at Cleveland! We absolutely love their new school! Creeds grades have improved more than we could have ever hoped! He has just recently been approved for an IE in school due to his reading. He has always struggled in reading and now is finally receiving the help he really needs. He is still in the general population classes he just goes to a few extra activities during the day.
 Luke is doing ok. He tends to get bored easy. He loves to read and he absolutely loves science and reading. As far as home goes we have a really hard time getting him to WANT to do anything unless it involves some kind of electronics. Which is frustrating! :( He and his brother are both brilliant.

As far as my health goes, I've had a hard time getting in to see my doctor but FINALLY got in and got back on ALL my medications I NEED!!! I have been having some really hard night with anxiety but, Prayer and reading my Bible have really helped. I've been attending a program called Celebrating Recovery through a local church. It is for anyone suffering for ANY sort of addiction. It has really helped me with many things. My next item.... Smoking! And let me just be honest, I am NOT overcoming this. At ALL! :(

Our biggest news lately is.... We have got a new kitten! Her name is Ziva (after Ziva on NICS! hehehe) Callie Wood. Born March 5th 2015. She is sweet but clingy. We are all enjoying her love and affection! <3

Prayers for now are:
Joe's health
Patients as parents
to become an encouragement an testimony to our boys
Ziva to adapt well.
And as always please pray for my health.